Moving On…

What hasn’t been said a thousand times? Moving on from past disappointments and tragedies is a unique and demanding task. Healing seems to have a timeline of its own.

Today I’m swimming in a sea of memories of a relationship that ended ten years ago. Right children wrong father right… you’ve heard the story. Well this time I’m exploring forgiveness and understanding around the circumstances. I rehash the negative aspects of the break up and there’s nothing unique to the story. I think there is a myth or two that resemble the main characters and the plot, I recognize the archetypes that prevail in my interpretation.

Making sense of the decisions that I’ve made in the past is some sort of a sentence I’m serving. I don’t rehash it on purpose but it comes up in my cognitive loop on occasion. I’ve always enjoyed a good puzzle and I’m like a dog with a bone. I do not walk away from it until I’m ready to bury it so I can dig it up to chew later. I don’t think it will serve me to stay on this task too long, but today I will honor the thoughts with a nod in the form of a entry.

This is a simplified undramatic synopsis of the situation. We met, it was clearly meant to be.The connection took on a life of its own. Plans were made and obstacles were overcome and we would reconnect three months later. To make this long story short we married three years later had five children intentionally and divorced roughly twenty four years later. The dynamics of this togetherness were clearly unbalanced right away even though we spoke of equality. I gave up my power to a bigger than life persona and his mission from the beginning. I stepped to the side and busied myself creating a life that I could live parallel to all of that and we chose to have a family.

I used to think my marriage partner was the most important and permanent relationship that I’d have in my life, I now know that it is an important bond but the connection with my own parents and children seem to display the longevity that I dreamed of.

I don’t want to color my memories with the negativity of perceived offenses so I won’t.

For the record, I’ve emerged and want to live a life I believe in. I’ve learned to stand up for myself and for my children. I’ve learned to ask for help when I need it. I know now I need it all of the time even though I am not a bit helpless. I’ve learned to keep going and that life is worth living. I’ve learned that I’m at choice and I can have a good life if I want it. I know now to forgive because we are always doing the best we can within the moment. I know that relationships are not dictated but cultivated and created with risks involved from both parties that allow it to continue or allow it to end.

I’ve been told many times in my life to journal… I’m afraid to leave written evidence of my angst. I see now, that it could be useful to establish the passage of time between entries like this. I think it can be some sort of a useful road map to see if I am “there” yet. I desire to be fit for another important romantic relationship but I wonder if there is room in my head, my heart, my bed and my closet… at least for my journals.

©Rochele Stuff 2015

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