Am I experiencing déjà vu?
Expressing the deepest emotions of anger through writing, is that considered acceptable? They also don’t really know who I am, right? Maybe by the end of June, I will feel a difference after reading it again, isn’t that so?
It’s been almost a year since I haven’t had a committed relationship with anyone. I’ve been far from intense words or interest, making me confused to start again. Almost a year, I admit I’ve been trying to get close to others, my friends, my family even introduced me to new people I’ve met. They say I’m too picky, but what I feel is that none of them fit my heart. When I think about it, there’s no reason if I give an excuse that basically doesn’t fit in my heart, then look for their flaws, even though the essence is that my heart and they who met me didn’t experience a click, I feel like there’s a thread that will connect if both hearts match.
Just like some exes before, building a relationship will definitely start with a matching heart besides many things we like about our own partner, right?
I trust my intuition, I know and will feel it if someone matches my heart.
For almost a year, I chose to be alone (of course, I chose alone, if I wanted to be together, I would think about those who came to like me). But I’m also building it, I want to make sure that my intuition and heart feel that.
This phase is different, because now there are many considerations for choosing a partner.
For almost a year I have met several of them, this time I stopped at someone who has a lot in common with before, even though not in detail.
Honestly, I’m a little scared to go through it, I don’t really know what’s actually happening in me. Maybe I still hate someone before? Plus, I just found out something a few months ago that really hurt. But I always tell myself that I have to be sincere and deal with it, and pretend to forget.
But the universe is sometimes very confusing, and what does it want?
When my logic and heart don’t match. My logic doesn’t want someone who has a lot in common with my past.
I also just realized that all my exes have the initial A. And again.
What’s your full name? He said, “AAAAAA RRRRRR” (very annoying). It turns out your name consists of three words.
I feel like almost a year of choosing to be alone is quite long, turns out you’ve been choosing to be alone for two years as well.
Hi, my logic doesn’t really want to choose you, I hate you, when I know your height is also 183 cm. I hate it when you were also born in the same year, in the same month and have the same zodiac sign (this is really stupid). I hate it when you also like basketball. I hate it when I also know that you are the youngest child, you have two older sisters. And your father has passed away. I hate it the most when you have to choose a history topic about Adolf Hitler, and you use “Mein Kampf” in your bio.
Sometimes I hate your smile, I hate your laugh, I hate silly things about you, I hate the way you put words together. I hate it when I have to talk to you on the phone for four hours every time we finish morning exercise. I hate it when you give me your sweet words and sweet talk. I know this might turn into a different story. On one hand, I’m afraid of the same thing. I can still feel how it was to let go of it at that time. My heart asks: will I lose in the end?
Maybe one thing I like about you is just this, you make me laugh again. The way you say, “Don’t be too serious, don’t be too critical, smile…laugh, please.” You just don’t know all of this. You don’t know how far I’ve come.
I understand how hard you’ve worked to get into this, and how difficult it is for you to pursue a career in that field, how you’ve struggled several times to enter your father wanted, even though your father never got to see you in that uniform, “Dad wants you to wear a uniform like his, looking dashing,” I want to say to your father, “I see you and you look handsome in your uniform, actually you look handsome whether you’re in uniform or not.” Congratulations on carrying on your father’s legacy and home.
And I love it when you speak German and I understand it. It wasn’t in vain that I learned the basics and met you. This will be — our favorite quote: ‘Wir leben alle unter dem gleichen himmel, aber wir haben nicht alle den gleichen horizont.’ Hehe, that quotes the words of Konrad Hermann Joseph Adenauer (1876–1967), a German statesman (CDU), as you said.
Hi, I like you, but this time I am firm in my decision. The universe has given me a sign by playfully asking, ‘If I meet someone like before, will I accept them?’ Of course, I cannot choose that. Before things go any further, I don’t want to continue. You are too much like him, and I can’t do it.
It’s okay, what is destined for us will find its way too.
But not for now.
You are too much like him, and I can’t do it, huh?
At least we have parts of my story and yours, Lieutenant. You made me laugh.
-From me, someone you said is too serious, yet you managed to make laugh
