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Few people ever discover God in a scientific way. This is because, among other things, science is a tool to reduce things to bite sized pieces that we can digest from a logical, left-brained perspective. God, and the awesomeness that He is, defies science at every turn; from when Jesus walked on water, to when He called Lazarus, a man dead for four days, from a tomb and he comes out of the tomb alive. There is nothing in science that can keep up with this!

I don’t know what you went through that lead you to the decision to deconvert (backslide) from Christianity, but it must have been terrible. I sympathise with your experience. But I can safely say that whatever it was, most likely your disappointments were in things that you or someone else failed to do on your behalf. As a person who had backslidden in the past, I can tell you that God is love, Emory. He has never failed me, and He will never fail you. Even when I backslid, I was still aware of His presence lovingly calling me back to Him. This is most likely a part of the difficulty you speak of as you try to “deconvert.”

But while He never rejected me, I was still aware that the chance to return only existed on this side of eternity, and that if I died in my state of rebellion against God it would be a forever sealed deal, and there would be absolutely no way back. Emory, have a honest heart to heart with God and hold nothing back. He has big shoulders, and He can handle your harshest honesty. Ask him to give you the answers you need, I promise you, He will! On the other hand, are your shoulders big enough for the answers when you get them? Our relationship with God is a two way street.