The scuffle of the ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’

Weekend — an escape from a moribund working life, a tablet to curb pangs of the routine tasks and chaotic meetings. For me, it’s a ‘breakout’.

On any weekend, I would wake up and start knitting plans for making most out of it. But this weekend, surprisingly, I woke up and beside me, rose one question — rolled out of nowhere and started striking hard against my conscience, seeking for an answer to the question “ Which side of the world I am on — the good or the bad ? ”.

“What? Seriously, out of all the things, this question, God !!!”

With no clue — completely perplexed — I started discovering the answer and unexpectedly got into an exhausting conversation with my inner self.

I asked, “What do you mean? Why this question ?”.
It smirked & asked, “Dude, you ever thought if u are a good apple or a bad one? 
I replied, “No, I never thought about it”. 
It laughed and said, “Okay, think about it sometime”.

I was relieved that I had successfully escaped the conversation, but not for a longer time. It would come back and knock hard to get an answer out of me 
I knew, I had to unearth the answer to this convoluted question and so , my mind started constructing a classifier and excavating the deeds from my past to feed it — deeds which were bad or good, I couldn’t say for sure. I was not even sure of the params, I should have built my classifier on. All I wanted was a formula or some kind of an equation in which I could substitute variables with past’s good and bad acts.
After investing considerable time in reasoning, I managed to narrow down to few parameters. So, according to the rules which have been clawing me ever since I was born, Lying, cheating, abusing, killing, harassing, torturing marked offensive while helping, obeying, respecting others, being religious were well appreciated.

“No kidding, if I go by these rules then I believe I fall into none. I am neither good nor bad. Damnit, I’m troubled more.”

I can’t forget this incident that happened with me a few days back at a traffic signal; a fragile weak woman with her kids was begging. Seeing her pitiful condition and her malnourished kids, I walked up to her and offered food. But to my surprise, she refused to take it, rather started asking for money. I said ‘No’ because it was against my principles; I will offer food, clothes, shelter, but not money to a beggar. Now, what I did was right for me but for others, it might be wrong. I could have offered money which I had spent in buying food but I didn’t. Morally, I shud have helped her but I didn’t. So, Am I bad?.

My parents never approved of alcohol. They never consumed any and expect none of their kids to touch it, too. But, I drink, occasionally, though, with colleagues or friends on outings. I never told them about it, I don’t want to. I know, if I ever tell them then they will be hurt and feel deceived. To forgive me, they might ask to leave it which, I can’t promise for now. So, I have been lying to them ever since I started boozing to keep both parties happy. Now, again I’m facing a dilemma — I feel both guilty bcoz I’m lying to my parents and innocent because I’m doing what I want, or like, or desire to do and ready to face the repercussion of choices I’m making.

Those indelible impressions of bullying will never fade away with time from my mind. I remember vividly, how I used to obey my teachers, would listen to them properly. In return, my teachers would appreciate me but my batchmates would despise me to the core and pass ill comments like fawner, bootlicker. I never understood why it was like that ? I was only obeying then why did I get all the hatred ? See, even after doing good, I was loathed.

“What’s right, what is wrong — It’s hard to tell when we don’t have a defined denomination.”

“What’s ethical, what is unethical — It’s hard to say when everybody is perspicacious in his own way.”

This world is a convoluted place; it has theories postulated by different people, the set of facts and beliefs which some follow and some don’t, rules which would make one smile and another cry. Both plants and animals have the life but eating leaves is fine while devouring over flesh is still frowned upon by many. This whole setup is a vicious circle with no way out.I feel stuck and I bet, like me, everyone else feels trapped too.

“Shit man, I still don’t have the answer and I guess I will never have any.”