The truth can make or break you

“A guy and girl holding hands while cycling together on separate bikes on an empty road” by Sabina Ciesielska on Unsplash

This site is full of great writers with great ideas and the knowledge to write them well. When I read everyone’s work it doesn’t scare me at all, if anything it inspires me to write something. To add my contribution to this wonderful big digital book of articles. I don’t feel any resentment or jealousy over the talent of others, I accept where I’m at. If it takes me a lifetime to become a great writer I’d be happy as long as I got there.

Yet today when I opened up my google docs frustration took over because I felt as though I wasn’t happy enough or in a good enough head space to write. What I love to write most are pieces that are positive, insightful and hopefully inspiring to even one person out there, but above all else what I try to do when writing is be to be honest.

And honestly I feel confused, hurt and above all else emotional. Honestly, I am currently sitting in a starbucks with my head in my laptop trying to wipe tears before they stream down my face. I don’t know if it’s turning 30, the everyday stresses we live with or if mercury is in retrograde but I feel as though I have a fountain of tears behind my eye sockets ready to pour any given second. My emotions are most definitely living on my sleeve and ready to take flight with the slightest trigger.

I don’t do well with birthdays. My twenties have been tougher than I could have imagined and given what I’ve been through I’m honestly happy to still be here. But it doesn’t stop the feeling. I spent the last few years dealing with everything. I spent my twenties trying to survive. And I’m happy to still be here but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not quite where I thought I would be by now.

I don’t do well with birthdays. With this one, I’m just not where I thought I would be. On my twenty third birthday I got married and here I am seven years later with no husband and no children. I’m renting an apartment I can’t afford with my boyfriend who says he doesn’t want a family until we are financially secure but I know deep down it’s something more and knowing him better than he knows himself at times I’m not sure if he really wants children at all.

I went to dinner with my boyfriend and his birth parents last night. This was the third time in his life to do so. As we made a two course meal last four hours silently wanting to spend as much time together as possible, I realised my boyfriend has his father’s eyes and his mother’s face. His humour comes from her and his freckles come from him along with his quiet temperament and his kind heart. In that moment it hit me how much I want my own children. I want to see who’s features they have and watch them grow and and see the people they turn into.

I am beyond blessed and very grateful for everything I have in my life. But I desperately want to be a mother and I’m not even close to becoming one.

So that is the truth that writing this article helped me see. Of course I am still sitting in starbucks with a runny nose and tears continuing to come but I am grateful to have the strength to finally be honest with myself about where I’m at. I don’t know what will happen to my relationship and I might have missed my opportunity to have children. Life is not always positive or insightful. Sometimes life can break your heart.

But through it all, the most courageous thing we can do is to be honest and have hope that from there, anything can happen…