Monday Thoughts

So I have given y’all a chance to read my history, on to the present. I’m not exactly sure where my choices will be taking me, but at least I am attempting to make the choices.

I am in the process of deciding whether or not I should retire as a stage manager. Just a reminder, a stage manager is essentially the captain and navigator of the ship for any given theatrical production. Nothing happens without the say-so of the stage manager, and it’s a ton of responsibility. From prep-week, to rehearsals, to tech-week, to performances, a stage manager easily puts in about double the amount of work hours of any given performer. Why? Because we are always there at least an hour before the rehearsal day, at least an hour after, and on our off times, we have to create the paperwork that allows the show to even happen. My loving boyfriend could tell you that I have a hard time not looking at my phone every time it goes off because, chances are, it is something for work.

Now, y’all would think, “That’s normal, people have to do that all the time and get paid overtime.” Awww… y’all are cute. Stage managers don’t get paid hourly. And, unless you’ve scored a staff position at a company, you don’t get paid salary either. We are contract workers on a stipend that’s supposed to get to you on the first day of prep week, and the last day of performances, or you get a weekly check that is also a stipend. If you are familiar with the theatrical unions like Actor’s Equity or AGMA, you’d think it could work out. Not so much. I’ll go into unions another time because they are great for onstage talent or musicians, but when it comes to stage managers, they suck.

So, in the back of my head, any time that my phone goes off, it could be something that is under a time constraint from one designer to another, or a chorus member needing to make sure that I know he’s going to be late or absent for a rehearsal, or something has to be fixed on the set before we get back on it in… 13 hours. Y’all… I have had people call me on my day off when I was not asked to be around, and I was about an hour away from the venue, asking me if I was nearby to open the doors for a rehearsal. I have also had people call me at five in the morning on a Sunday, asking if they could use the rehearsal space at eight, or ten, that morning, before the ACTUAL rehearsal that was going to take place at one in the afternoon. You can imagine that I was not a happy person that day…

Stressful job? Maybe just a little. And you may ask, why do you do this to yourself Rachel? Why do you suffer the heartache, headaches, and sometimes backaches to make a show happen? The answer is simple, but not at the same time. It is so that the show can go on; so that there is some art that makes a difference in someone’s life; so that the art can thrive. I do it because the art form of Theatre, whether it be opera, musical theatre, ballet, or straight theatre, has a place for everybody. I organize and make sure that people communicate, but it also takes the performers, sewers, carpenters, electricians, marketers, crafty people, riggers, a/v techs, choreographers, and directors to make it happen. So no matter what you are good at, there is a place in theatre, and theatre is about more than the performance itself.

The easiest way to describe it is a quote from Dead Poet’s Society. It’s cheesy, but it’s true. “We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” Why do we do anything but for these pursuits?

Sometimes the stress can be too much because, as a stage manager, sometimes it is nearly impossible to make boundaries and say no. However, it is a skill that I am learning and constantly tweaking. Have I accidentally made the wrong decision and lost my temper? Yes. Have I hidden myself in a dark corner of the theater during a break and cried because the pressure was just too much? Yes. And you can safely say, that is not healthy. I am aware, and somehow I am still doing this job.

Is the pay worth it? Please… Sometimes I make enough to even get ahead on my bills, others I am scraping and scrounging, or I’m living off of my credit cards. We all know that’s no bueno.

I am in constant fear of when the next job starts because I have absolutely no concept of paid time off. I know lots of y’all have it, and it’s magnificent, but as a freelancer, no such thing. If I’m not working, I’m not getting paid. So there is a lot of financial anxiety, but there is exhaustion as well because constantly working 6 days a week, somewhere around 12–14 hours a day, IS NOT HEALTHY.

What am I doing on my day off? I’m doing what the rest of y’all do: laundry, cleaning my house, taking care of my cat, grocery shopping, meal prepping. Things that y’all can spread throughout the week, I have to do in a single day. So my day off, is not a day off.

As I’m writing, I am thinking to myself, “why do I do this to myself? Is continuing the art form that I love so much worth all of the sacrifice and pain? Is it worth being constantly broke and the mental and emotional stress that goes with it? Is it worth the less-than-healthy eating and sleeping habits?” And honestly, I don’t know anymore. That is my struggle. I don’t know if it is worth it, because no matter what, I can be replaced. At any given time, we all can be replaced.

I leave y’all with this thought: if I was to die tomorrow, what would people say about me? Would they just mention my work ethic, or would they talk about my traits as a human being? Truly, at this juncture in life, I’m pretty sure all they could talk about is my work ethic because that is all that I do. I don’t like that… I don’t like that at all. Maybe it is time for a change…