So after 6 months of researching — mostly me — and watching youtubes of other people with aspergers/autism I decided we really needed to seek a diagnosis for Kane.

Kane is 31 and he has a diagnosis of high functioning autism.

If someone asked Kane to describe what this has been like for him — without a diagnosis — he would describe it as an existential prison. For so long, Kane thought he had a mental illness — having been diagnosed from the age of 17 with Schizophrenia which was downgraded to a stress induced psychosis, both lovely diagnosis’s. Kane was put on anti-psychotics and sent on his merry way.

Looking back on Kane’s history with the Dr for the cognitive interview for the diagnosis — it was intriguing to me that there was a possible aspergers but no further recommendations to look into it. I guess the anti-psychotics was to keep him “stable” — as Kane would say in a zombie state and unable to detect anything. Yes, when we speak to anyone they would say, “Well it was the times — they did not know enough back then.” I get that — I am a smart cookie — but it still kills my soul to think what he has been through that could have been further researched and a diagnosis sought.

Our life has been tough together. We got together in 2008, and I’ve always thought something was up but of course not knowing any better it had to be put down as depression and anxiety related due to possible trauma. We thought if he went to a psychologist he could work out what’s going on. NOPE! We tried that, and it very quickly went into a downward spiral because the woman was not an ASD specialist. Move on a few months and Kane takes a IQ test and his visual perception is through the roof at 99.6% yet his working memory (auditory memory) so ability to properly take in and process auditory information is extremely low average. So, no psychologist is going to help unless they work with him visually! Amazing to know this now!

It is interesting being a spouse of someone who has just found out they have high functioning autism. Kane spent time working hard as he felt he had to. He thought he was lazy when he literally could not get off the bed in the morning and he felt he had to commit to his job to be the stable one in the household — as society suggests — this is so important, right?

Well, yes, it can be to some people, and well there is no doubt that neurotypical people can push through with their energy easier than anyone with a sensory processing disorder. When I am tired I just push through and sure I get to burnout stage eventually and break down in tears but I am able to sleep and pick myself back up — he can’t. He is in constant fatigue flux all day everyday. Kane calls it the “roll of the dice”. He says, it’s all about the roll of the dice and the dice has about 20 sides, I never know where it’s going to land and what space I will be in multiple times of the day.

It is very overwhelming.

I’m going to leave it there for now, because I’m really exhausted today. I had to take Kane to a doctors appointment to get a referral to the ASD specialist psychologist and wow, the ignorance and condescending behaviour was very exhausting for both of us.

Rachel .