How to Tell if You’re Being Nice or Being Kind
For better relationships it’s time to stop being nice
Hello. My name is Rachel and I’m a recovering nice person. The idea of someone being unhappy with me was physically painful. I smiled at men on the street who told me to smile; I laughed off offensive jokes, and I told people it was fine when it most definitely wasn’t fine. As you may have guessed, this behavior didn’t actually make me very happy. Often it failed to make other people happy either. I’m working to change this. Let’s try being kind instead of being nice.
This change in attitude came from a relationship coach. I was struggling to deal with a relationship that had long felt mismatched in interest and intensity. I wanted to pull back and spend less time with this person, but I felt I couldn’t because she’d stood by me through difficult times and frequently told me I was her best friend. Plus, she’d done nothing “wrong” to earn my change in feelings. I just didn’t feel the same intensity or interest that she did. I felt trapped and resentful in the relationship. My coach told me I was being nice, but challenged me to ask if was I being kind. Sure, it’s nice of me to wish to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. But is it kind to let her think a friend shared feelings that weren’t there? To let her put emotional energy into a relationship that…
