It’s a veritable Golden Age for grifts out there, so why should mom be left out of the fun? We’ve rounded up our favorite non-blood-collecting scams, cons, and heists to make this Mother’s Day one she’ll never forget!
The Macaroni Chase: At the age of four, give your mother a macaroni necklace you made in school for Mother’s Day. Give her a new macaroni necklace every year. What she doesn’t know? Each one has a tiny slip of paper in one of the macaroni tubes with the password to a different Cayman Island’s bank account to which you have been…
Avocado Toast Estates was founded with a simple mission: to provide Millennials with affordable living options with all the comforts of home and the benefits of close proximity to age-peer friends and sex partners, all without ever having to interact with an outside world that constantly judges your choices while simultaneously prohibiting you from ever becoming financially or emotionally independent. So, are you ready to ditch the grind and embrace a guilt-free Millennial life? Then Avocado Toast Estates is for you!
In order to make our residents feel at home, each Avocado Estates dormpartment is furnished with two…
I saw The Last Jedi this week and loved it. I also know people who didn’t. And some of the reasons for that seem fair and truly a matter of subjective taste. It’s very funny — funnier than any other Star Wars movie by at least half , like, almost Spaceballs funny— which can throw your Star Wars viewing sensibilities off for a good part of the beginning of the movie at least. It’s got a ton of sub-plots, some of which don’t always seem to feel as though they’re heading somewhere important or even specific. …
Who’s a Good Girl?: Two women stand in a park with their backs to the camera, their dogs playing in the distance. We hear two voices discussing the weather and sharing cute pet stories. One of the women throws a Frisbee and both dogs scramble to catch it as it flies into a wooded area at the edge of the park. As the dogs root around the woods, we hear the voices again, though there is no sign of the owners here. One is having trouble training her pet to wake up in the morning and feed her, the other…
Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Diana, Princess of Themyscira, Daughter of Hippolyta (you might know me as Wonder Woman). I have seen the many news articles about you claiming that you are the most powerful woman in America, a trusted advisor to your father, and a champion for women and children everywhere, and I just have one question: What is wrong with you?
What I mean by this is: have your original powers been depleted by a run-in with a more powerful demigod and thus you are currently unable to wield them fully in the…
To sleep in
To get through one trip to the bathroom from start to finish without anyone in my family knocking on the door
A quilt that’s just a giant chocolate chip pancake that I eat my way out of
For David Attenborough to narrate my entire day like I’m a bird in one of his nature documentaries
For Channing Tatum to reenact his “Pony” dance from Magic Mike XXL in my living room
For Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern, Nicole Kidman, Shaylene Woodley, and Zoë Kravitz to reenact the final scene of Big Little Lies where they’re all prancing together…
When I was nineteen I was diagnosed with Crohn’s. When I was twenty-two I became an Orthodox Jew. And although no one explicitly told me this was the case, I came to believe that my illness was a punishment from God for my past sins.
I wasn’t making this up. I was getting it from the religion classes I attended and the kabbalistic texts I studied, many of which were written in the 18th and 19th centuries. Like their secular counterparts, these texts spoke of the connection between the body and the spirit. …
By Donald Trump
These are the things I learned:
The system is rigged.
Don’t hit people, or grab pussies, unless no one is watching or you’re just talking about grabbing pussies into a live mic to Billy Bush.
Put things back where you found them, especially refugees.
Someone will always be there to clean up your mess and sometimes even call your messes “Presidential.”
Don’t take things that aren’t yours unless you want them then definitely take them because, inexplicably, no one will stop you.
Yell “Fake News!” any time anyone quotes you saying something dumb. Even if…
Passover in Boston
Any time anyone would ask me, as a kid, as children do, what my favorite holiday was, I always had an immediate (if unconventional) answer: Passover. I loved the way it was set off from the rest of my experience, the way our house was scrubbed, our kitchen emptied and then restocked with matzo and mandel bread and Israeli Bazooka Joe bubble gum. Growing up, the seder was my favorite night of the year. My entire large extended family lived within close proximity to each other in Chicago, and we all gathered at my grandparents’ for the…
I write: @tnyshouts @CatapultStory @mcsweeneys @reductress and here.