All I Really Need To Know I Learned In the First 100 Days of My Presidency

By Donald Trump

These are the things I learned:

Share nothing.

The system is rigged.

Don’t hit people, or grab pussies, unless no one is watching or you’re just talking about grabbing pussies into a live mic to Billy Bush.

Put things back where you found them, especially refugees.

Someone will always be there to clean up your mess and sometimes even call your messes “Presidential.”

Don’t take things that aren’t yours unless you want them then definitely take them because, inexplicably, no one will stop you.

Yell “Fake News!” any time anyone quotes you saying something dumb. Even if you definitely said it. It doesn’t make sense, but trust me, your base will love it.

Wash your hands before you eat the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake and then launch 57 missiles into Iraq I mean Syria okay look you know what I mean.

Always flush your golden toilet.

Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you after a long day of dealing with the crooked media.

Live a balanced life — watch Fox News and read Breitbart and listen to Alex Jones and refuse to release your tax returns and collude with Russia everyday some.

Take a nap every afternoon. This one is very important.

When you go out into the world, watch out for losers and haters, hold hands with your wife in a weird way that creeps everyone out, and pit your staff against each other like you’re running a reality show and not the United States government.

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: It is pathetic and weak and you prefer seeds that don’t need Styrofoam cups to grow.

Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup — they all die, but you…you will live (and be President) forever!

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned — the biggest word of all — SAD.