Fuckboy Archetypes in Western Literature: Brothers Grimm Edition

Prince Charming (Cinderella): This fuckboy believes that women will simply come to him if he waits around looking handsome enough, and unfortunately he’s usually right. He’s pretty fun in large groups but becomes clingy and desperate once you’re alone and he worries that his initial charm will not be enough to keep you interested. He will straight up hide articles of your clothing in his apartment while you’re in the bathroom and not say anything about it until you get home and realize they’re missing and then he’ll text you like “Oh I think you might have left your shoe here weird that you left just the one tho ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ” Then when you go to get your shoe back he’ll ask you if, while you’re there, you might not want to make out or something. The best thing to do at this point is grab your shoe and run, because a guy who’s lived his life getting things handed to him is not likely to be a generous lover. Lucky for you, he’s too stupid to figure out how to find you if he doesn’t have an object of yours to use as a homing device, so as long as you stay away from his neighborhood for a little while, you’re probably good.

Prince Charming (Snow White): This is the dude who shows up after all the shit’s already gone down and acts like he was the goddamn hero all along. He’s the guy who will text you right as you finish moving all your crap into your new apartment to see if you “still need any help with anything” and then when you’re like “Yeah man it’s done” will be like “Oh cool so maybe we can Netflix and Chill later?” He’s the guy who shows up to last call of your birthday party and gets mad that you’re shitfaced on Appletinis because you “should have waited for him”. He’ll blame you for being too demanding while at the same time criticizing you for spending too much time with your guy friends, despite the fact that every time you try to hang out with him he is nowhere to be fucking found. The moment you cut him loose you’ll realize he was the real source of drama all along, and also that it was actually sorta fucked up how much he liked watching you sleep.

Jack: Fun and spontaneous, this is the kind of guy who lures you in with his zest for life and his sense of adventure — Let’s climb this beanstalk! Let’s crash this wedding! Let’s stay up all night and watch the sunrise! Spending time with him can make you feel youthful and spontaneous, but it will eventually grow tiresome, especially when you realize he’s not planning on growing up anytime soon and skinny dipping in the Hudson is actually pretty fucking gross. At this point you’ll realize that you mistook the interesting things that happen to him for him actually being interesting. The good news is that he’ll be on to the next adventure before you’re even out the door, so you don’t have to worry about hard feelings, although you will be left with a sinking suspicion that, like a goose that lays golden eggs or a singing harp, you were just one of the cool things he collected on his aimless journeys through his unremarkable life. Whatever. Consider the bullet dodged.

The Wolf: Incapable of ever being honest about his feelings, this brooder hides in dark places like forests, poorly lit bars or corners of indie record shops waiting for you to notice him first. When you do, he will act like that’s not even what he wanted, but it is totally what he wanted. Then he’ll pretend he has better things to do than hang out with you, but will still ask for detailed directions to grandma’s house or the party you’re going to later anyway “just in case.” You’ll give him directions there because he’s sorta weirdly charming, but you can tell there’s something off about him. Even when he’s creepily waiting for you when you get to your destination, you’ll somehow still end up sleeping with him, on account of him being kinda sexy in a scuzzy-hot sort of way. Unfortunately, the sex will be quick and clinical and largely unpleasurable for you and afterward he will immediately fall asleep. If you are lucky you will sneak out before he wakes up and never have to see him again.

Rumpelstiltskin: This guy is the literal worst. A self-professed loner who hides his self-loathing behind a veneer of mystery and cleverness, he’ll appear when you are most desperate (like at a party where you don’t know anyone or in a room where you’ve been trapped by a greedy king) and help you out of your jam, but he will also never let you forget that he did so, and when you’re like “Okay but just because you helped me one time doesn’t mean I have to date you or even like you” he’ll be like “How come girls are always putting me in the friend zone? I’m such a nice guy! It’s not fair!” His favorite book is On the Road. He loves Radiohead, but not, he’ll constantly remind you, for the reasons everyone else loves Radiohead. He smokes a pipe, but like, ironically. He loves guessing games, like Charades and Celebrity, but hates losing them. A consummate mansplainer, when the time comes that you inevitably unmask him as the narcissistic fraud that he is, he will literally tear himself in half before admitting that you are right. Avoid at all costs, especially around piles of straw or near the time of the birth of your firstborn.

If you find yourself wrapped up in any of the aforementioned fuckboy drama, don’t be too hard on yourself; you are not the first nor the last to fall prey to their short-lived charms. Just stay strong, look for the nearest exits, and remember: “Happily ever after” was a myth made up by two weird German dudes with too much time on their hands. And you know what? Fuck those guys.