Welcome to Avocado Toast Estates, A New Approach to Millennial Assisted Living

Rachel Klein
May 30, 2018 · 3 min read

Avocado Toast Estates was founded with a simple mission: to provide Millennials with affordable living options with all the comforts of home and the benefits of close proximity to age-peer friends and sex partners, all without ever having to interact with an outside world that constantly judges your choices while simultaneously prohibiting you from ever becoming financially or emotionally independent. So, are you ready to ditch the grind and embrace a guilt-free Millennial life? Then Avocado Toast Estates is for you!

Semi-Private “Dormpartments”

In order to make our residents feel at home, each Avocado Estates dormpartment is furnished with two lumpy futons and a bunch of mismatched, used furniture we got for super cheap on craigslist or found on the lawn with a “FREE” sign on it. Our Imperfect Match roommate pairing algorithm assures you that you’ll be assigned a roommate who seems pretty cool at first, but over time reveals living habits that range from irritating (e.g. clipping toenails in front of the tv) to deeply unsettling (e.g. saving all girlfriends in their phone as “Mom”). If you choose to move out of your assigned dormpartment, you will be assigned a single, smaller dormpartment in a worse location, but will also find that living alone is actually very freeing and being able to finally admit to yourself that you never really did like Rick & Morty is a real weight off your shoulders.

Millennial Care Specialists

Each resident of Avocado Toast Estates is assigned to a member of our Millennial Care team who assists you in everything from job applications to athleisure shopping to tinder matches. Team Members are trained to understand the uniquely bleak position of Millennials in today’s world and to help them live their lives to the fullest without fear of reproach from internet think pieces or David Brooks columns. Like mom and dad, their entire purpose in life is to serve you, but unlike mom and dad, they won’t judge you for spending your electric bill money on a sweet new pair of Air Force Ones. After all, the Baby Boomers have already wreaked havoc on the planet, decimated the social safety net, and voted an unhinged madman into office, so why not sport a pair of cool kicks while we all wait to die?

Communal Living

One of our most unique features is allowing our residents the ability to engage in every manner of Millennial socialization without ever having to leave the grounds. We have everything, from Starbucks to the indie coffee shop where you can go to feel superior to the people who go to Starbucks, from dive bars with (actors posing as) grizzled locals to a dance club with a clock that is set four hours ahead so you can feel like you partied all night yet still be in bed by 11, which is what you really want, if you’re being honest with yourself. Move anywhere about our grounds — from the Pilates studio that’s too expensive for anyone to actually join to the tech start-up with an open floor plan and no health insurance — with peace of mind, thanks to our patented X-Alert system that tracks each resident’s movements to help ensure that you never run into your ex (unless you choose to override the system for a one-time, ill-advised post-break up hook up, which again, we’re not here to judge).

Millennial-Friendly Design

We’ve designed both private and communal spaces with Millennials in mind! Features include:

· Wall-outlets every three feet. Never go a second without a charge!

· Optimal selfie-lighting. Look like a Kardashian from any angle!

· Ramen Stations. A hot cup o’ noodles around every corner!

· Bathroom Call Buttons. For when you need someone to hold your hair back, or just listen to you rant-cry until you fall asleep with your arms around the toilet bowl!

· Dogs! Dogs! Dogs! Avocado Toast Estates has a 3:1 dog to resident ratio, so a good boy is always just an arm’s distance away!

So join us at Avocado Toast Estates. We can’t fix the economy, eradicate your student loan debt, or ever make your parents the least bit proud of you, but we can help you decide whether or not to cut bangs (Go for it, girl! You can totally pull it off!) or tell you when it’s time to throw out your ratty old high school graduation t-shirt (Never! That thing’s an heirloom!) Because sometimes, in a world that’s going to shit, the only thing you can do is swipe right on life.

Rachel Klein

Written by

I write: @tnyshouts @CatapultStory @mcsweeneys @reductress and here.

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