What I Want For Mother’s Day This Year

To sleep in

To get through one trip to the bathroom from start to finish without anyone in my family knocking on the door

A quilt that’s just a giant chocolate chip pancake that I eat my way out of

For David Attenborough to narrate my entire day like I’m a bird in one of his nature documentaries

For Channing Tatum to reenact his “Pony” dance from Magic Mike XXL in my living room

For Reese Witherspoon, Laura Dern, Nicole Kidman, Shaylene Woodley, and Zoë Kravitz to reenact the final scene of Big Little Lies where they’re all prancing together in slow-motion around Monterey Beach with me

A remake of Big Little Lies without those weirdly clunky police interrogation scenes

A remake of Big Little Lies with a cast consisting entirely of puppies and kittens

Same but for The Sopranos

Same for The Sopranos but with Muppets

Same for The Muppet Show but with the cast of The Sopranos

A moratorium on human interest articles about the psychology of small town Americans who voted for Trump

Guaranteed coverage for my pre-existing condition

Rihanna’s Met Gala dress but made entirely out of chocolate chip pancakes

For brands to stop upselling me on the “women’s” version of a product that’s the exact same product but pink or smells like a flower or whatever

For people to stop calling things “guilty pleasures” when they mean “a thing I enjoy”

For people to stop saying “economic anxiety” or “cultural anxiety” when they mean “racism”

For people to stop saying “I’m genuinely asking” when they mean “I’m just being a huge asshole”

For people to stop shitting on honeydew when it’s a perfectly good melon that never did anything to them

The immediate enforcement of the Emoluments Clause and/or the pee tape

A Sephora gift card

A nap