He loves me… He loves me not

Rachel Beth
Aug 24, 2017 · 5 min read

He loves me…

I’m sure of it. He said he was falling for me. During sex I might add… a less than perfect time, but a time nonetheless. But the next morning, once the alcohol had worn off just enough to think clearly, he took it back. Actually, it was less of a revoking, and more a complete ignoring of the fact that it had ever happened. “I was drunk and I don’t remember anything” was the excuse he gave. But maybe he was just scared. At least that’s what I tell myself at night when I lay awake thinking about it. It’s better than the alternative; I am unlovable.

I am always the girl they say they’d marry, the end game girl. But no guy wants an end game girl at 20. They want a girl they can f**k for a few months and toss to the side, they want casual, they want no strings attached. I used to think that this was because some boys are wounded, because they weren’t loved as a child, or because some girl before me ruined them for all other women. Don’t get me wrong, this article is not a ‘bashing of men’, I get that women do this too, but my experiences thus far have been limited to that of the male species (scientific: hornius sapius).

I am somewhat a package, my mum says at least. I can cook any meal on demand, and after living out of home, you would be amazed at what I can whip up with an insane lack of ingredients. (Who knew that warm beer could substitute eggs?) I am one of the few people on the planet that enjoys cleaning, I can put any baby to sleep in minutes, I am well-travelled, well read, I do Pilates for F**ck’s sake. Just get me a Volvo and I’ll be well on my way to a suburban soccer-mum extraordinaire. I’m not saying this to brag, it’s more a disbelief that so many boys have looked past every single one of these attributes, and not even given them a second of thought in their sex filled brains.

Maybe it’s just me being overly hormonal, or ridiculously clucky, but I can’t help to stop and think about the potential each guy I’m with has. Are they ‘future’ material? And this doesn’t necessarily mean that I take one look at them, assume they’ll never make over $80k and ditch them. It’s more like, do they shower? Can they hold a conversation? Simple things. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder, would I enjoy waking up every morning ad seeing this person’s face beside me?

And you know what, I don’t think it’s wrong to have any of these thoughts. There is so much pressure to be ‘casual’ about sex and relationships these days, that it seems almost criminal to think about someone long term. The ‘where is this going’ conversation has long been replaced by guys telling me one date in, that they’re not looking for anything serious. Or better yet, they wait until after they’ve slept with me to say it. But before anything has even begun, they take the possibility away. What happened to just seeing where thigs went? Because contrary to popular belief, some girls are actual normal and caring and funny and smart.

Is it unreasonable that I still long for the day when a boy picks me up from my front door, rather than beeping his horn or sending a text; “Yo. I’m here.” I just want to be able to leave a guy’s house knowing that some other girl isn’t about to turn up ten minutes after I am, to the apparent motel that he is running, judging from the amount of girls in and out. I want to get through one motherf**king conversation without a guy saying “but like we’re just friends and shit, you feel me”. I BLOODY KNOW WE ARE FRIENDS MATE. Buddy. Pal. But honestly, do you feel me? DO you see how this is tearing me apart? Do you understand that the way you are acting is immoral, and emotionally screwing with me. That you;re being kind of a dick?

I constantly ask myself why I always go along with it. At this point you are probably thinking the same thing. Why doesn’t she just stop seeing him? Why doesn’t she find a new boy? Maybe tinder is a really shocking idea that will never result in an actual relationship where both parties are cared about, respected and mutually exclusive. And I have two reasons.

The first is that I believe actual proper dating no longer exists. It has been replaced by ‘hanging out’ and ‘chilling’, and this is because these words don’t require guarantees. These words aren’t scary, in the way that ‘date’ is. They are non-committal, you can flake out, and you can not show, and its fine, because it was just a ‘catch-up’. Tinder has well and truly ‘changed the game’. Because that’s what dating has become. It’s not about real connections or real life. It’s just a game. And in a game there are winners and losers. And they’re most definitely out to win. To be on top. (Although you’ll rarely see them literally in this position, lazy buggers).

The second reason I continually get myself into this position, is because you never see this behaviour coming. Each guy seems better than the last… how can they get worse? I want them to be better. I so badly want to be able to say to my friends that I’ve found a great guy who likes me back and cares, I so badly want to bring a guy home to meet my parents, one that I’m proud of. You see, the confusing part is that they start off amazing, and you slowly start to see little red flags pop up, week by week. But you don’t want to be too quick to judge, because then you’re picky. You start to stand up for yourself and you’re a bitch. You go about the relationship with caution, and you’re suspicious. Now you’re crazy and a bitch, you’re a crazy bitch. And no one wants to date a crazy bitch.

In this game, I just can’t seem to win. I get too attached, and somehow that’s my fault. My question is how can they be so unattached? How can you say all of these things and not mean them, even just a little bit. How can you be the closest two people can biologically ever be, and still claim to feel absolutely nothing?

He loves me not… Definitely not.

)

Rachel Beth

Written by

wannabe singer, wannabe writer, wannabe domestic goddess. If you wannabe my lover, you gotta [love small dogs, and appreciate brunch]

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