Slightly Damaged, Still Me.

I had a nightmare last night that I got tongue-tied trying to say all the things I want to say to you. You were able to drown me out with your loudness, your hurtful words. Abrasive, like sandpaper on everything I am. It was just a dream but all the same, I can’t have that. You know me, better than anyone. I’m stubborn and strong and make myself heard. So I can’t have that.

Here are the things I want to say. I will write them before my mind reverts to its usual state of chaos.

Most importantly, you lied. I was no saint by any stretch of the imagination. But you lied about the most important things a person can lie about. I love you Rachel. I forgive you Rachel. You’re my best friend. I want you to be happy Rachel. We’ll always be friends. I was ready to marry you Rachel.

Yeah, thanks for that last one. You made sure to destroy my already damaged concept of love. Quite an exit you made. I’ll admit for a while there, you had me going. I’m glad she found you. She brought out the worst in you where I was concerned. I was able to see who you really were, and that those promises weren’t worth a damn. Marry me? Yeah, okay. Give my life to you? Spend my eternity counting on you? I could never count on you to be there. I could never count on you to tell the truth. You are a mediocre artist, only painting the pictures you think people want to see.

So there it is. We were still friends, I still would’ve done anything for you, having no idea what you really were. And then you met her. Oh how utterly replaceable I was. I am a lot of things, some good and some bad. But I am not forgettable. I refuse to be that. I lost you. I lost the family I fell in love with too. The siblings I wanted to be my own. The parents I always wanted to impress. The friend group that gave me a temporary place in the circle. Only I didn’t realize how temporary I was. I became nothing to them the minute you got a new love interest. For a while I thought I had overestimated myself, maybe I’m not as good a friend, as fun a person as I thought. But I’ve since realized I was wrong. I had not overestimated myself. Rather, I had overestimated all of these people and their friendship. I know this because not one of them has spoken to me since you moved out. I wish we could still be friends, still have good times, but I’m not welcome anymore and that’s okay. I’ve heard they trash me behind my back. Probably a great bonding conversation topic for them and her. And that’s okay too, no hard feelings. This is me letting go.

If anyone has wondered why I am the way I am, this is it. I’m damaged goods. This why I don’t always text back. Why I don’t want to go on a date. Why I go out with my friends so much. I’m healing. I’m focusing on me. I’m surrounding myself with people that care about me. People whose loyalty is not dependent on who I’m dating, people that don’t pressure me to be anything, people that make sure I get home safe. I want to finish this up by thanking these people. My family, my mom and dad. My handful of day ones who are still with me. A rad group of people in St. Augustine who have known me a few months but make me indescribably happy. I love all of you. Never question your importance in my life, you are my life. Thank you for everything, but most of all for your patience as I build myself up again. I’m pretty cool by myself, but I’m so much better with you.

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