My visit to three nursing homes
Gets a person thinking about aging. First 20 minutes (6)
I have this client — a couple who happen to live really close to me. He is 84 and this year has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It showed up uninvited and didn’t leave. It took over in a hurry.
On Thursday I took her to visit the three nursing homes recommended by the doctors. She is almost 80. She is heartbroken.
His Alzheimer’s mostly affects him physically. I think he knows what’s happening. But he can’t move around on his own. He can’t get up on his own. He can’t fix himself a simple anything.
She and I talked a bit after. He was sleeping. Still. He sleeps a lot.
She said “I haven’t lived in a house without him for 60 years.”.
August 31 was their 60 year wedding anniversary. She is being so strong. She is focused on how he’ll feel. What he will think when he wakes up not in their bed.
I gently suggested “remember, this is going to be hard on you, too. It’s going to be a while, maybe a long while. Waking up in your bed without him in the morning isn’t going to feel right”.
She is going to need her tribe. She is going to need friends. She is going to need to redesign her life.
It’s not going to be easy.
Who is going to help her?
Who is going to know her well enough to understand what she needs.
My Uncle Moe says “Aging is a bitch, but it’s better than the alternative”.
By total coincidence, my husband started browsing pictures from when our son was born 11 1/2 years ago.
We couldn’t believe how small he was.
We couldn’t imagine who he’d become.
We had no idea our teen-aged daughter would love him so instantly.
We had no idea we had aged so much in 11 1/2 years.
“Ohmagosh, look at my face. Why do I look SO different?”
11 1/2 years has changed me.
What will that change be in 20 more years? 30? 40?
Who will be my tribe? Who will know me well enough to understand me?
Foundation is everything. And it takes work.
So I’ll cherish and nurture and support my tribe. I’ll hold hands and stand guard and find humor with them. I’ll make a priority the things that really matter. I’ll forgive them when they need forgiveness. I’ll hug them when they need a hug. I’ll learn from them and hopefully they’ll learn from me.
I’ll get old with them and they with me. And we’ll understand each other very well.
And if ever any of us visit nursing homes, we’ll know right away which is the right one. And we’ll know right away what to do next, to work through the hard parts.
