Seven Travel Tips for Lame Ass Trips

How to Crush Your Chance of Having Fun as a Solo Female Traveler

I’ve been traveling as long as I can remember. As a child, I explored most of the U.S. on car camping trips. We hiked and built fires and checked out the world’s largest hairball. I crossed the border to Mexico for a few hours when I was around 8 or 9 and stomped around Canada in my mid-teens.

My first “real” trip overseas was to Jamaica when I was 14. Over the years I ventured into Central America, South America, Western Europe, Eastern Europe and Asia. I’ve been to almost 50 countries now. To my great surprise, it took me 20 years to figure out the real truth about how to have a good time.

It turns out I was lied to. No one did it on purpose. In fact, they all did it with my best interests in mind. Or maybe they just didn’t know the truth themselves. Here are my top seven favorite tips to ruin your trip:

  1. Hide Your Valuables — Be sure to stress out about where your valuables are at all times. Keep your money in a sweaty, beige money belt and guard it with your life. Anytime you need to pay for something, go into super spy mode and try to discretely take money from your hidden stash. Wear your backpack backwards to dissuade pick pockets. Lock all of your zippers with special twist ties. Protect your passport and credit cards as if they were precious heirlooms, passed down from generation to generation. Spend as much energy and time as possible guarding your stuff. This will distract you from relaxing, being present and enjoying the moment.
  2. Don’t Talk to Strangers — People from different cultures and places are scary and dangerous. They want to rob you, trick you, etc. Poor people and those that don’t speak English should be regarded with particular suspicion and disdain. The culture and way of life where you grew up is the only true way, and there is nothing to be gained from stepping out of these boxes.
  3. Plan Ahead — Research the hell out of everything you want to do to avoid any surprises. Read other traveler’s reviews to discern the absolute “best” choices for food, hotels, etc. If someone found a hair on their pillow last fall, you should know!! Book all of your flights, hotels, itineraries, etc. well in advance to eliminate the chance of any spontaneous adventures. Spend as much time as possible hunting for the best deals and prices. Money is far more valuable than your time.
  4. Don’t Venture Out Alone — Always travel in a group or with a buddy. This will protect you from kidnappers, thieves and meeting new friends and lovers. Never, and I mean never, say yes to a man’s invitation to go home with you. He wants to rape and kill you, and you’ll probably get sold into an underground sex trade. Don’t walk alone at night down mysterious streets with hookers, transvestites and homeless people. They are monsters with no heart or soul and will probably try to rob you too. Don’t trust your intuition to discern between cool and creepy people.
  5. Watch What You Eat — Only eat at chain restaurants like McDonald’s and Pizza Hut. Avoid sampling anything local, especially fresh fruits, veggies, street food and murky looking drinks with leaves/sticks/ etc. floating in them. Make sure to carry a CamelBak full of hand sanitizer and apply it liberally after any encounter with people or objects. These measures will ensure you don’t get sick or experience anything memorable or special.
  6. Demand the Best — Approach all situations with a sense of entitlement and arrogance. If your food came out a little differently than expected, your eggs are overcooked or it took too long, be sure to get really worked up and angry and ruin the moment by complaining and insulting the staff. Don’t forget to ruin the experience for anyone who may be within ear shot by rolling your eyes and sighing loudly at them.
  7. Just Say No — Make sure to guard yourself from anything unknown. Promptly say “no” if anyone invites you on a spontaneous trip, especially if they are a man. Avoid any chance to sleep in a unique place like a home stay, couch surfing, a hammock on the beach or funky hostel. Stick to chain hotels and packaged tours — they are sterile and safe.

P.S. I recommend you disregard all of these myths as I have learned to do. Violating these “laws” of travel have lead to all of the memorable, interesting and worthwhile expieriences I’ve had on the road.

Happy Travels Ladies….