The Power of Asking Before Assuming
Why do people assume without asking or trying to see the bigger picture?
I still don’t totally know the answer to this question but I do know a few tips that have helped me lately.
Last week I took my son to Niagara Falls for Winter break and as we were standing in a long cold line for the Ferris wheel, I couldn’t help but over hear a conversation of the people in front of me that left me a little uneasy. After my son went to bed that night, I instantly created a note on my iPhone and wrote it all out. Lately this is my go to method when my blood starts to boil. My old self would tell people off or write a mean text to someone but writing it down as a note on your phone can make you feel better really fast. I also did this last week when I was so mad at someone. I wrote the text I wanted to write them into a note and didn’t send it. Writing it as a note made me feel better instantly. To this day, that note is still in my phone and I haven’t had any desire to send it… and LAWD help me not to!!
Back to my story…there were 4 people in front of us at the Ferris wheel, an older couple and a younger couple. The Ferris wheel workers skipped about 5–6 booths and let them go up empty. The older lady goes to the younger lady in front of us “why the hell are they skipping all those booths” and instantly answers her own question with “well I guess someone has to do this job…. so stupid” basically implying that it’s a menial job meant for stupid people (that’s what I got out of it anyway). The younger couple also annoyed by the workers “doing this” full on agree and laugh at her remark.
If you know the way people like this work, then you know that the chances are when the older lady get’s into her heated Ferris wheel booth, she will most likely talk shit about the younger girl she just talked shit to about the workers two seconds ago. Maybe not this exact scenario, maybe she’ll just complain about the food at the restaurant she goes to later for dinner. Maybe she’ll verbally abuse her husband as soon as the booth doors close or maybe… never mind, you get the point. I know this because I use to be like this. If I talked shit to you, I also talked shit about you. I can get into this more some other time on a different post but let’s just say, I’m so glad I’m not THAT girl anymore baby!
Now here’s where “asking or trying to see the bigger picture” comes into play.
Why not see a bigger picture and say instead “maybe those booths are out of order and they are not safe for us to go on” Or maybe “the heaters in those booths aren’t working and it’s below freezing outside”. Could it be THAT simple? Did we have to call someone stupid for potentially trying to save us from freezing in the sky?
We are always so quick to judge but we must always see the bright side of things and ask a better question instead of assuming. He doesn’t text you back right away? Maybe he’s having a bad day and hasn’t had a second to. (I’m sure he’s been thinking of you though!) They always make you feel shitty and criticize you? Maybe their parents did that to them their whole life and they’re unconsciously doing it to you. If someone is still eating at your mind and you can’t move on, always remember: they can be on a beach in Hawaii right now sipping on Gin and Juice, who’s the one suffering?
How much better would you feel if you could just answer your own questions with better answers? I use to think the worse of people but as I get older and the more I do the work on myself, I can see that everyone really is doing the best they can with the consciousness they’re at and it’s a lot easier to love people when you can see them like this. I know I should be quoting someone here but I’ve heard this saying 75 times from 75 people in 75 variations so I’m sorry Brené Brown and Deepak Chopra but I really don’t know who said it first.
My Dad and Grand Father use to always tell me I need to be skinny “because short people can’t be fat”. If I had a little bloated belly, they were quick to point it out and remind me of that. This affected me a lot of my life and I am still a little self conscious about my weight to this day because of it… But I’ve done enough work on my life lately to know that they said this because they loved me and wanted me to be their beautiful little girl. It was a lot of pressure on my end but this doesn’t make them bad people. They weren’t out to get me. They really do love me and this is the way they knew how to show me love. Jesus said it best “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. This is the level of consciousness they’re at so I will love them back in my own way. Or better yet… laugh it off and let it go because as our friend Michael Singer always says “the faster you let go, the greater the reward” or something like that.
Here are 3 questions you can ask yourself before blabbing what you really want to say or what the”old” you would say. This has really helped me and I hope it helps you too.
1- Ask yourself why did they say that or why are they doing that? BUT your answer MUST be positive. (Think “angel’s advocate”)
Example: maybe they’re busy and can’t reply. Maybe their coworkers called in sick so the service is extra slow. Maybe she’s on her period and her hormones are out of whack so she’s just not feeling herself today. You get the point.
2 — Ask yourself a question with an answer that flips it around to you.
Example #1: Why does it bother me when he’s always late? Answer: Because I’m always late. (replace “late” with a word that applies to your situation)
Example #2: Why don’t I like shy men? Answer: Because I’m shy or I’m not confident. (replace “shy” with a word that applies to your situation)
Example #3: Why doesn’t he love me? Answer: Because I don’t love myself.
This method has helped me so much lately every time I’m triggered by something or someone. I always turn it around to what about what they’re doing bothers me about myself?
3 — Ask yourself “are they doing it on purpose or are they doing the best they can”?
If by question 3 your answer is “they’re doing it on purpose” then you still have some work to do my friend. It’s time we realize that not everyone is out to get us and that there are good people in this world and the one’s who are quote on quote bad in our eyes, it’s usually within good reason. Ask them how their childhood was and that will give you all the clarity you need…. It’s amazing that when we know what people went through, we can understand why they are the way they are a little better. It doesn’t always make it right and it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it time and time again but forgiveness get’s you a lot farther than the venom that will spread slowly in your veins.
I had to ask these same questions about the lady who said those mean things about the workers. I came to answers like “maybe her parents critisized her her whole life” “maybe her kids don’t talk to her anymore so she’s taking her anger out on the kids working”. Who knows what her story is but I can bet a few bucks that she is this way for good reason and until she becomes conscious of it, she will keep saying hurtful things publicly over and over again until she hits a real rock bottom and realizes that maybe she’s the problem and maybe she needs to do some work on herself. I didn’t realize this until the age of 34 because no one ever taught me this. I was so unconscious in my ways (as many are) and it took a real crisis for me to say “oh shit, I’m the problem!?!?”
Let me introduce myself
My name is Ray Ray and this is my first ever blog. I mean… I use to have social media and my posts were never posts, they were full on blogs or books LOL… my texts are very similar. I’m not a one word answer kinda girl. If you liked what you read today please subscribe for more.
