Love Means Taking Out The Trash
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” — Joyce Brothers
Let’s talk about love. Marriage. And the baby in the baby carriage. Love is easy. Marriage is hard. I fell for my partner because we shared a deeper connection. We gave thought and focus to the existence of things beyond this world. Experiences that you can feel and not necessarily see. Searching for answers to the meaning of life outside of the usual scope of interest. I thought ‘ah ha, this is someone I can learn from and grow with, forever.’
What was it like for you when you fell in love? Can you still remember?
Thanks to science, we now know that something chemical is occurring inside when we fall in love. Neurochemicals such as oxytocin and dopamine begin to flood our brains in areas associated with our pleasure and reward centre. A nice reminder to remember that we are in part, biological beings.
So, what happens to all the ways our brains are lighting up and doping out when our rendezvous starts to look more like Jekyll and Hyde, and less like Romeo and Juliet? Life. Life is what starts to happen to every promising couple.
I read that usually by the second year of the relationship, it starts to fizzle out, and it will now require effort. Do you remember how good it felt to have an upcoming date with your partner? You got ready at your own place and could surprise them with your beauty and grace? Well by the time you are living together, they’ve seen it all. The way you look without make-up, the annoying way you bite your nails, the smell that’s sometimes left after you leave the loo. It’s all there, in plain sight, who we really are.
Insert: expectations. Nothing kills a romance like expectations. Now he or she is no longer the cute fluffy little bunny you want to cuddle all day. You got shit to do and you need a partner, not a detractor. Someone to eat dinner with. Someone who supports your career goals. Someone to help lighten the load. And for most women, unfortunately, our loads get heavier in the household when we are living with a man. It’s not that it’s our job to feed them or do their laundry, we aren’t their mommy, but we are…. their teammate. And this is where Joyce proves she’s got it right.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
So, let’s divide and conquer. Because for women, by the time you’re pissed off about the unequal distribution of household chores, it’s usually come down to one thing. You guessed it. That baby in the damn carriage. You don’t want another child when you’re looking after one two, three or possibly four, you want… a MAN.
Here I’ll offer some helpful tips that keep the spark in my relationship lit. It’s not all doom and gloom. It’s planning. It’s caring. And it’s following through. First off, we have date night. Once a week every week, my partner and I escape the chaos of kids to retreat into the sanity that is our own company. One week I plan a date doing something and the next, it’s my partners turn. We alternate and mix things up. It’s not always dinner or a movie. It can be a walk or an art class. Get creative and discover the fun you can have doing new things and going to new places with each other. When each partner must have a turn at planning their date, it keeps the romancing in balance, that you probably lost since the beginning.
Schedule things for yourself and put it in the diary. Since I am a stay-at-home mom and a writer, I shouldn’t be subjugated to being creative during my daughters’ naps. My writing is important, and I need time for it uninterrupted and outside of the home. Every Wednesday evening, for three hours, I’m off mom duty and the author in me goes to the local library to unleash the best I’ve got for my upcoming book. But that’s not all, we support each other when it comes to working out, having an appointment, and catching up with friends. Because one thing I know for sure is relationships thrive when we can each maintain our own identities outside of the union.
Another thing, and this is our agreement since my partner goes to his office every day and I am home, I handle the cooking and cleaning during the week and my partner helps on the weekends. And it’s always his job to remember to take out the trash.
