Dear Chris Harrison,

You’re the guy I direct all Bachelor/Bachelorette related questions to, correct? I mean I assume you’re in charge of the whole show, since you’re the only ‘behind the scenes’ person we see every week. If I have sent this message to you by accident, though, please feel free to forward it off to the correct executive producers (or their assistants), and I apologize for wasting your time.

HOWEVER, if you’re exactly the guy I’m supposed to contact, then I would like to formally offer myself up to be a contestant on The Bachelorette. I don’t want to be part of the gaggle of girls on The Bachelor, no, I want to be THE Bachelorette. I feel I have a strong mix of characteristics that would make me perfectly suited for a spot on your reality television show. Also, my parents would really like to marry me off, and I think they’d be willing to pay a finder’s fee if you can secure me a husband.

I assume you’ll want to know a little bit about me, before we just blindly start signing contracts. My name is Rachel, I am 5'4" and 125 pounds, and I have brown hair and brown eyes, wear a size 7 shoe, and size 6 pants (unless the pants sit at my waist; I have a tiny waist. If the pants [or skirt, or dress] sit at my waist then I can be a size 4. I assume this information is important.). I wear a medium shirt, but I like things to be bigger, so I buy a large and I shrink it down. Don’t get excited, though; I basically don’t have any boobs. Like, sometimes I wonder if they’re even there. So if you’re like, “This is awesome, this girl buys large shirts because she has big boobs!” you are wrong. I am actually built like a teenage boy just before he hits puberty. I might wear a size large female shirt, but those shirts run ridiculously small, amirite? For comparison, when I go shopping in the little boy’s section at Target, I am a large little boy, too. I hope this paints a clear picture of my physical appearance, because I assume wardrobe will want to start right away on my tailored costumes.

But, before we go too far, I don’t want any of those ball gown dresses. I can’t wear those things (remember, no boobs). Frankly, I’m just not a dress/skirt fan. I will, however, wear dresses/skirts like the ones seen on TV, usually worn by Zooey Deschanel. Flowy dresses with polka dots and what not. But, come on, I don’t want to wear that all the time. You can’t honestly expect me to wear the same boring costume for every episode every week, right? If I’m going to meet the man of my dreams on your show I’d like to at least be comfortable. So, I’d prefer to wear lots of jeans and Converse sneakers and graphic t-shirts. I can supply my own graphic t-shirts. Every week will probably be a new theme, if that’s cool, and I’ll make my way through my Star Wars shirts into Star Trek, and then Lost, and then assorted other pop culture shirts that I’ve bought off of TeeFury.

Now that we know what I’m going to wear each week, lets talk about what we’re going to do for these ‘dates.’ To begin with, I’m terrified of heights. So, unfortunately anything in a tall building or in a helicopter is right out. I will pass out, and then it’ll be a real test of true love watching the guys figure out which one is going to take me to the closest hospital. The actual first challenge of the show will be to determine which room in the house has the best wi-fi, and whichever gentleman figures that out will automatically get a rose that week. I also don’t want to do anything involving bathing suits. It’s not that I’m self-conscious; I just really don’t like wearing bathing suits unless I’m at a water park. So maybe we could go to a water park? That would be fun. But what would be the MOST fun would be going to Comic-Con. I would like a group date at Comic-Con, if that’s at all possible, and it’ll be a requirement for the guys to dress as their favorite fandom, so I can subsequently judge them on how well they dress for the event. Also, they will be judged by their fandom of choice (Firefly? Yes. Battlestar Galactica? No.).

This brings me to the guys. Clearly I’m going to need a group of potential life partners who want to go to Comic-Con. So, if there are any guys who are like, super into sports, they probably won’t make it very far in my cycle. Not that I have anything against sports. I’m just more interested in a guy who can tell Ant Man’s back story rather than what it really means to fumble in football. I don’t care about cars, or finance, or cool looking expensive watches; I care about the fact that Grim Fandango is being remastered, and I care about Legos. I can see my cycle full of lots of guys like Zachary Levi and Wil Wheaton and Seth Cohen and other fanboys out there. I feel they are not getting enough time on The Bachelorette. Which brings me back to my original point, which is that you’ll need a Bachelorette well versed in X-Men origin stories for this cycle, and I volunteer as tribute.

This all comes about because my mom was watching The Bachelorette the other night, like she always does every Monday night, and I happened to look at the guys there and comment that I wouldn’t want to date any of them. To which my mother said: “You’re probably too to be on The Bachelorette.” If I googled Andi Dorfman — the current Bachelorette — correctly, she was born on April 3rd 1987, and strangely enough, I was born September 26th 1987. However, Andi looks like she’s in her late twenties, AND could easily pass for a full fledged adult. I, on the other hand, am often mistaken for a college junior, so I can see how my mom would be confused about this age thing. I’m not too old to be on The Bachelorette, I just look too young.

But this is the demographic ABC is missing, Chris Harrison! Think of the possibilities of having a Bachelorette that openly eats nachos at every meal, really loves Pretty Little Liars, and has a growing collecting of Avengers memorabilia and still gets carded to see R-rated movies. Yeah, that’s cool, Andi, you were an assistant district attorney, but I binged all of Breaking Bad in two weeks. Form an orderly line, gentleman. There’s enough space around my 15" MacBook Pro for all of us to watch Doctor Who on Netflix together.

So let me know what you think, Chris Harrison. You can call me anytime; I am literally always available.