Savoring Love and Time

“We should not allow our past mistakes define who we are today or tomorrow”

Most people think “old habits die hard” and one can never recover. My mother’s only brother, my Uncle Ulric, is living proof that it’s not true and has a remarkable story proving that a strong mind can lead to a successful life. Not having my own father around, my uncle was the next father figure I had to my grandpa. I remember at a young age recognizing that my uncle may have not made the best choices but it didn’t change the love I had for him and knowing he was still a good guy. I was always receiving birthday cards with amazing drawings from him, with letters of anticipation for him to come home soon. Once he was home, I felt the love as if I was one of his own daughters. However, I also remember the times my family would try their own type of interventions in hopes that he would be tired of the downward spiral he seemed to be lost in. As a juvenile, my uncle was easily influenced to do drugs and be part of a gang life style but right when he was about to lose hope, he experienced a life changing turning point which led to religion, opportunities, and what helps keep his strength.

Growing up in Chino in the early 1980’s at a time when it was the “popular” thing to live the gang life style led my uncle to also be easily influenced to do drugs. As my uncle hung out in these crowds of people who smoked and drank, they influenced and opened up the gateway to do more and harder drugs. I used to hear a phrase that people need to “hit rock bottom” in order for them to change their life. I was intrigued to know what that phrase meant to him, and he responded “I actually don’t believe in it. A couple of times I felt I had hit rock bottom but I went even lower. There is a limit less low in how far you can go in life.” After thinking about his response, I had to agree. For the simple fact that we all probably have a different idea or definition of what exactly is “hitting rock bottom.” Only the person who is hitting a low in life can be the one to determine how bad life is in order to make necessary changes. The idea of what should have been his low point was not for me or any other family members to decide.

Then one particular, major event in my uncle’s life left him confused and in a scared mind state that led him to a courageous turning point in his life. He lived a long twenty years of being in and out of prison, and I always remembered no matter what he always had a hard work ethic. His hunger to feed his drug addiction reached a high point when he not only worked a full time job but also would steal to support his habit with the girlfriend he had at the time. Replaying it in his mind, he recalled that this particular day he went to Albertson’s grocery store, his girlfriend would load up a grocery cart full of stuff and just walk out without paying for the items. However, this day she was followed by two men on her way to the car. He yelled for her to just get in the car so they can leave. Usually with the items they stole, they would sell to people they knew for cash to support their habit and to sleep in a motel for the night. With the few new items they still had, a friend was able to buy it all and it was enough for them to get the motel room for the night. Reflecting on that night, he says “Heroin is a downer, it always calmed me down, but this night it didn’t.” He recalled pacing back and forth in the motel room and his thoughts were running in his head about his kids, wanting to die, experiencing maybe a panic attack or a nervous breakdown. His girlfriend asked him repeatedly to lie down and relax; when he couldn’t relax, she asked to pray for him. He thought how crazy she was to ask to pray for him because that wouldn’t make things better. However, he agreed to let her pray for him. He says, “In that moment, I felt a gentleness come over my mind and heart. I didn’t know what that experience was.” Short after this day and right before Christmas, my uncle once again returned back to prison for a domestic case. What made this prison term different, was the greater feeling he had experienced that night to seek and understand what he had felt.

Prison often can become a time of reflection, and immediately my uncle started to seek what religion was and what he felt was the truth. “I would seek the truth by learning all religions and came to the conclusion that Christianity non denomination would be the closest to the truth that I would get,” he said. It was interesting to learn for me because we have been a family who grew up being Catholic. However, in support of my uncle’s decision to be part of a Christian church, I would attend with him at times. I know that songs are a big part in the worshiping, so I asked my uncle a significant song that helps or he can relate to and he told me, “I’m coming back to the heart of worship.” Also stating, “the song is about being true to yourself and worshiping god, the words hit me because once I was worshiping god for the wrong reasons. And it showed me and made me learn to be true to myself, that no matter what happens in my life, it will not effect me.” That no matter what we are doing in life, we should give it our best potential and effort despise the “bump in the road” so to speak or the struggle to get there.

While finding what religion best fit his idea of the truth, opportunity and the help of others and family helped build my uncle’s life back to a positive direction. In that last prison term, he also ran into a friend he had grew up with who had been there for a while doing time for a murder charge. This friend helped encourage him to read the Bible and write his experiences down. He says, “I believe that my senses were woken up again as far as my mind, my thinking, my heart, felt like being revitalized, strengthened again.” Once out of prison, my uncle became part of a church that allowed him to be part of the leadership, coaching and teaching with the youth. He had opportunities with this church that maybe others might not have given him. He was able to meet with counselors that gave him the tools to deal with negative experiences in life. He also had friends that helped get his foot in the door to become part of the union as a Sheet Metal Worker. Within the union he was able to go to school and move up in the pay scale. He established a stable home for himself and his son, and purchased a new car.

With opportunity comes the strength to maintain and continue to move forward in his every day decisions. At any time, my uncle could have moved out of Chino to get away from everything and anyone who had influenced his life negatively. Instead, he chose to stay exactly where he was at and in exchange he found the strength in him to avoid his old habits, and how to live a new life saying, “The battles never end, the thing that changes are the battle grounds. Before my battles were tough battle grounds, I still fight the battle but they are on better grounds now when you have a firm ground. Stay on your toes at all times. Always try to progress in life and continue to grow.” I firmly agree in his statement; with my own battles I try to always show growth and push for more and to never settle. We never know who is watching and sometimes we know exactly who is watching our every move. Providing a firm ground for ourselves can be an example to someone else. Besides my uncle’s involvement in church, he enjoys exercise. Exercise helps keep his mind occupied, a form or relaxation and meditation. His favorite form of exercise is riding a bike in nature and says, “I can’t explain it, but I feel good about it.” I feel as anyone as I include myself, it’s always a good thing to be involved in something; any type of positive involvement with others or a hobby is always beneficial to the mind.

How very fortunate my uncle was able to utilize the help and opportunities to become successful in his life. With ten years living sober, if he had advice for anyone else going through a similar situation he said, “my advice is there is hope and there is a better life in the world out there. And ways of achieving true joy because drugs and alcohol only give a happiness for a moment, joy never ends, happy is for a moment.” My uncle’s favorite quote is “two things you could spend and never buy back, love and time. We should try to love and spend our time wisely no matter what we do.” I feel as it’s the little things that matter most, the time we have with family is never promised. He can’t get back the time lost, but he can make the best of the time now and love the people around him. I have often tried to use my uncle’s story with people I have come across in a similar life style in hopes that they too can learn and grow, to realize that there is hope and with a strong mind anything is possible. We should not allow our past mistakes define who we are today or tomorrow. We get a chance to wake up every day and make better choices. I personally don’t believe in trying to see what the future holds; every day should be taken just as is, day by day. I rather make goals; daily goals, weekly goals, monthly goals or yearly goals, because in return I am one day or moment closer to succeeding and tricking my mind into believing in the positives rather than the negatives.