I need my (pussy) Virgina examed. Swelling hurts.

150 funky patient complaints.

Humor is a shield in the ER. It helps us cope. We laugh a lot. At each other, at ourselves, at the weirdness. Check these out. They’re all real complaints of real ER patients.

  1. "I have Bavarian cysts."
  2. "My doctor said that I may have a blood clog in my leg."
  3. "I have a stiff neck. My doctor said it could be Smiling Mighty Jesus." Either that or spinal meningitis.
  4. "My lips are chapped."
  5. Attacked by an ostrich.
  6. "I can't get the apple out of my vagina. The orange came out fine last night." It had to be surgically removed.
  7. "The left side of my brain isn't working. It gets better when I eat beets."
  8. Superman got hit by a car. He came in naked, wearing only a cape and socks. Why? "The FBI implanted something in my brain and now I can't fly!"
  9. "I got attacked by a squirrel."
  10. "I was cleaning my butt with my electric toothbrush and it got sucked in, the whole way.”
  11. "Ghosts are sexually assaulting me."
  12. Got attacked by a yak while cleaning the yak pen.
  13. "I was sexually assaulted by the mushrooms I ate. They melted my brain."
  14. "Ghosts are touching my cat."
  15. The patient thinks she's a cat and will only eat cat food. She refused milk.
  16. Got attacked by vampires.
  17. "I'm Jesus Christ. I was told to come see you."At 3AM, Christmas day.
  18. "I woke up lookin like Forest Whitaker.”19 years old white girl
  19. "I'm coughing. I think I've got ammonia."
  20. "My vulva is swollen." That one, in your throat, is your uvula. Your vulva is lower.
  21. "Im a robot, and my sister put me together wrong. Watch..." Shakes her arms to demonstrate.
  22. "My pussy be drippin..."
  23. The patient got blown over by the wind at the waffle house.
  24. "My stuffed animals keep saying, "kill me, bitch."
  25. "Every time I ejaculate I smell like bleach."
  26. "She tastes funny down there," states the boyfriend of the patient coming for a vaginal discharge.
  27. "I had sex and he went into where I pee. Now it hurts to pee."
  28. Two years old fell into grave. Grandfather's.
  29. “The thing that hangs down in the back of my throat is upside down, and now I can’t spit.” That's your uvula. That's how it hangs.
  30. "I cut my arm off and I threw it in the trash." Would have been funny if it wasn't true.
  31. Patient one: bleeding from groin trauma. Patient two: epileptic seizure and choking. Do the math.
  32. "My surgeon said I could have a hematomato."
  33. "I have a bleeding hemorrhoid." He pulls his shirt to reveal an abscess on his side.
  34. Glass rod shattered inside the penis
  35. "I had a vasectomy last week and my ovaries hurt."
  36. "I’m feeling homicidal after seeing a midget, a unicorn, a leprechaun, and a dog playing cards..."
  37. "Just want to make sure that my dealer gave me the good meth.”
  38. "Do you pierce baby's ears?"
  39. A sack of flour got spilled outside a grocery store. The whole town came in to be tested for anthrax.
  40. "I 'm being controlled like an avatar and I woke up with a moist butt hole."
  41. "I have a worm in my tentacle."Pointing to a testicular vein.
  42. "Got Gorilla glue in my hair."
  43. "I sat on a cocaine-dusted gerbil. He crawled into my butt. He's trying to claw his way back out but he's lost and I'm bleeding."
  44. "I drank cleaner fluid and my throat hurts."
  45. "When I was younger, I wore special shoes." So did Forrest Gump.
  46. "I got food stuck in my sarcophagus."
  47. “Google said I could die from hypothermia, so I wanna make sure I am
    not too cold.”98F.
  48. "I need Dilaudid for my finger. I burned it with a French fry."
  49. "I have acid reflex."
  50. "I'm allergic to tazers."
  51. The patient called an ambulance because she dreamed she had a stroke.
  52. "I'm tired of my thighs touching."
  53. Patient stapled scrotum back together after his spouse lacerated it.
  54. "I'm bleeding from a paper cut."
  55. "My son's penis is too small."
  56. During Bird Flu season: "I walked in a room serving fried chicken. I think I caught the bird flu."
  57. The patient was brought from jail for drinking from his colostomy bag
  58. "I have purple stuff coming out my lady pocket." 83yo female and her husband ran out of KY jelly. They improvised with Smucker's grape.
  59. ""I ripped my nipple with my piercing in the shower."
  60. Got hit in the face with a catfish.
  61. "I have a low sperm count."A young man coming by ambulance.
  62. "I think someone peed in my beer."
  63. "My BF said I taste funny."She had trichomonas.
  64. "I have a problem with my prostitute."
  65. Elderly woman getting ready for a rectal: “My husband’s usually the one doing this!” “Grandma!” Patient: “I mean getting sick and coming to the ER.”
  66. I’ve got clogs coming out my Eucharist!
  67. Vacuum cleaner stuck on penis.
  68. "I accidentally swallowed half a bottle of Clorox bleach." Accidentally? Half a bottle?
  69. "My penis shrinks when I sneeze."
  70. "My child swallowed bath water."
  71. "I don't last as long in bed as I used to."
  72. "I have a condom lost in my vagina."
  73. "My poop doesn't float."
  74. "I have lickulitis. I need that pill flagall." Must be oral transmission!
  75. "My diabolic blood pressure is too high." Diastolic of 150? Diabolic all right.
  76. "I have diabetes type 3. The one you fix by eating a candy bar. Type two is the one with a pump. Type one is the one that gets shots."
  77. "I just don’t feel like myself."
  78. "A raccoon fell into the baby stroller at midnight while we were fishing." Are you here for the raccoon?
  79. "I got beat up by a ghost."
  80. Female patient: "I googled it. I’m worried that this could be prostate cancer!"
  81. “My pussy hurts.”Triage nurse: “We don’t treat animals here.”
  82. "Hey doc, I have Driver Triculitis." Occupational medicine referral?
  83. "I have end-stage fibromyalgia."
  84. "I brushed my teeth with my hair remover."
  85. "I got attacked by an owl."
  86. "Aliens froze my urethra. Now I can't pee."
  87. "I walked through meth and it absorbed through a wound on my foot."
  88. "I think I have Fluumonia." She had both.
  89. "I can't read."
  90. "I have no ambition." That sounded funny until the cardiac enzymes came back positive.
  91. "I’m vomicking out of both ends." That's efficient!
  92. "I have sick as hell anemia." Sickle cell too.
  93. "The doctor took my castrator out." He'd just had a prostatectomy.
  94. Glass Christmas ornament in the butt. In July.
  95. "I have fireballs in my Eucharist!" Religious psychosis? Nope. Bleeding from her uterine fibroids.
  96. "I was impregnated by my ex-husband, who is a warlock through the internet." Not clear if the impregnation or the training happened online.
  97. "Igot hit in the head by a cow." Ended up with a detached retina.
  98. "My house smells like carbon monoxide." CO has no smell.
  99. "I’m here because I’ve been walking all day and my feet hurt." I'm here in spite of that.
  100. "I knocked my joint out and now can't find it."
  101. "My labia got tangled in my underwear." It required a procedure to set it free.
  102. "I got hit in the head with a frozen burrito." It flew off the assembly line and smacked her
  103. "Her cummer is stuck." She had a seizure during sex.
  104. "My acid reflux came out my ears after I ate." Anatomy be damned!
  105. "I need an ambulance. I dropped a jar of peanut butter on my toe and I think it’s bruised."
  106. "I fell as I was running from an ostrich." Ill-tempered birds!
  107. Live bat found in family home and attic. Didn't hit anyone or bite them. The family of 6, including those who were not home, insisted on getting rabies IgG.
  108. "I kissed a girl, not my girlfriend. Now my cum tastes different."
  109. "I'm bleeding from my mouth after oral sex."
  110. Fractured penis. Male subject 120 lbs, partner pushing 400. She was on top. It broke as she was bouncing.
  111. Injected testicles with industrial grade silicone with a manual bicycle tire pump. Can you say big balls?
  112. "I swallowed my wife's hearing aids." They're so expensive that he had to poop in a bucket for a week, in an effort to recover them.
  113. “I think I have ovarian cancer.” A man who googled his symptoms.
  114. "I have an enlarged Prostrate.
  115. "I have a pinched nerve, right above my testicles."
  116. "I have anxiety brought on a silent retreat.It was too quiet." She was there for two days.
  117. "Pussy discharge." Foul smelling discharge with pus coming from her "vaginia."
  118. "I got raped by my dildo."
  119. Lotion bottle stuck up his ass to get out of jail. Now his colon is silky soft and his poop smells like cocoa butter.
  120. "I was playing with magnets. Now they stuck together. I can’t get them off my junk.”
  121. "I have sperm dripping from my vagina."
  122. "I've had trouble breathing since birth."Age 68.
  123. Got nuts stuck in a lawn chair,
  124. Iguana bite. It took off half her finger.
  125. "I pulled a worm off my butt."
  126. Got scalped, after a horse bit off her hair bun. (70 y/o)
  127. Gored by a buffalo while loading his buffalo herd onto a truck and they stampeded. He drove himself in with significant injuries.
  128. Possible inhalation of potato chips.
  129. Got into a fight with a raccoon.
  130. Fell on 8lb sledge hammer and it got stuck in the butt. He drove to ER.
  131. "I got run over by a pig." Works at a slaughterhouse and got trampled by a 350 lb pig.
  132. “I’m pretty sure I’m a dead man walking.”
  133. Girlfriend shoved a knife up patient's rectum, blade first, as he was tied to the bed. He earned a colostomy.
  134. "I think I broke my penis. It’s crooked." He was right.
  135. Confused patient: "I have smoke in my attic!"
  136. "A squirrel urinated in my eye." How?!?
  137. A baby turkey pecked me in the corner of my eye."
  138. "I'm starting to see Satan."
  139. "I'm turning blue."It was dye from her jeans.
  140. Got bit by zebra.
  141. "I have a dead kitten hanging from my lip." She kissed it, it bit her, she choked it.
  142. "I'm worried I got HIV. I got monkey poo in my face."
  143. "I ate sushi two years ago. Now there’s a parasite crawling out of my skin."
  144. "I got apesex and pain." Bad way to spell abscess.
  145. The patient requested transport to ED for Valtrex when his girlfriend told him she had herpes. The second unit brought her.She'd been assaulted.
  146. "I went to take a shower. My wife had put a zucchini on the bathroom chair. I sat down to dry my feet"…The last zucchini standing.
  147. "I ate the wrong vagina."
  148. "Been sick for twenty years, worse tonight." 🙄

Lessons learned:

  1. Avoid animals and birds from austriches to zebras. Even pussies.
  2. Sex is risky. Even with oneself.
  3. With a name like Smucker's, it's got to be good.

Thanks to all my Facebook friends and my ER friends for their contributions.

Rada Jones is an Emergency Doc in Upstate NY. She lives with her husband Steve and his black deaf cat Paxil. Her ER thriller Overdose is now on Amazon. Find out more at RadaJonesMD.com.