Patients say the darnedest things

ER humor.

ER life is hard. The daily dose of suffering and death is emotionally draining. To make it through, you need a thick skin or a sick sense of humor. Thanks to EM docs and my Facebook friends, there are some samples of ER Humor.

  1. Doc: I’m afraid you have fractured your ankle. Patient: Thank God it’s not broken!
  2. Patient: Nurse, I threw up my IV Toradol.
  3. Doc: Any medical problems? Patient: I had Smiling Mighty Jesus when I was a kid. (Spinal meningitis)
  4. Doc: Did you have a CT scan? Patient: No, not a cat scan. Something to do with a puppy. (Pet scan.)
  5. Seizure patient: My cat smells my seizures. It learned from the dog… but they aren’t talking any more.
  6. Diabetic: My sugar isn’t high. I always taste my pee. I know when it’s too sweet.
  7. Patient: Don’t forget to cover my nuts for the Xray.
  8. Cardiac patient: I take subliminal nitroglycerin. Doc: Good idea!
  9. Patient: I’ll move my phone so that the Xray doesn’t mess it up!
  10. Patient with a light bulb in his rectum: I was in the shower and I fell on it.
  11. Seventy years old who lost his beer tab pull. Nurse: “Where?” Patient: “Up my ass.” Wife, calling from home: “I found it. It was in our bed.”
  12. Nurse: Are you sexually active? Patient: No, he does most of the work.
  13. Triage sign in sheet: 1. Name. 2. Sex. 3. DOB. Patient answers: 1.Name. 2. Five times. 3. DOB.
  14. Mental health patient: Better give me my Ativan right now if you don’t want my alternate personality to come out.
  15. Nurse: Condoms and contraceptive gels, together, are 99% effective against pregnancy. Patient: “Can’t do it. I tried the gel on toast. It tastes awful.”
  16. Intoxicated patient: I’m addicted to meth, women and fried chicken.
  17. Patient: I have a filter in my Vena Cavern. (vena cava)
  18. Patient’s wife: My husband has Sea Roaches of the liver. (cirrhosis)
  19. Patient with rectal pain: You’ll need to put me to sleep for the rectal exam!
  20. Patient: “Nice tattoo! I have one too, a mouse on my thigh! Oops! I can’t find it. My pussy must have eaten it!”
  21. Nurse: You need something? Screaming patient: I don’t need anything, I’m just crazy.
  22. Nursing home patient: I met a man whose bits still work. His wallet.
  23. Terminally ill patient: It’s got to be good to be a hospice nurse. Everyone’s dying to meet you!
  24. Stroke patient: Does your husband know that you’re spending all this time in my bedroom?
  25. Patient, while being undressed by staff: “Ladies, I’ve only known you for two minutes and you’re already taking my clothes off! You two are fast!”
  26. Elderly patient: My kids no longer call me grandma. They call me donor!
  27. Patient during pelvic exam: I’ve had five kids. Be careful you don’t fall in!
  28. Demented patient: Stick me with that needle and I’ll shove it up your ass!
  29. Hospice patient: Where do we go to get killed?
  30. Elderly patient: The doctor said he won’t cremate me, since I’m not dead yet!
  31. Nurse: “ I’m going to cover you with insulin.” Patient: “No. Cover me with your body.”
  32. Nurse giving vitamins: “Here’s your morning Viagra!” Patient: “Good. It’s the only thing that keeps me from rolling out of bed!”
  33. Nurse, reviewing discharge instructions: “No sex, tampons or douching for six weeks.” Patient, surrounded by her four kids: “Will you please repeat that to my husband?”
  34. Patient covered in blood after pulling out his own IV. Nurse: “You look like you committed a crime!” Patient: “No, I’ll save that for later!”
  35. Nurse, to patient exposing himself: “I’m sick of seeing your penis!” Patient: “Me too!”
  36. Intoxicated pregnant patient positive for meth, offered Tylenol: “Are you sure it’s OK for the baby?
  37. Anaphylactic patient: I’m allergic to epinephrine. It makes my heart race.
  38. Nurse: “I need to place a a Foley catheter.” Patient: “Better make sure you wipe away the cobwebs down there. It’s been a while.”
  39. Registrar: “Sir, when where you born?” Patient: “How the hell do I know? I was too young!”
  40. Patient’s son: “Do you have a pill that would make my Mom happy?” Doctor: “If I did, I’d be rich!”
  41. Patient’s daughter, before amputation: Will her foot grow back?
  42. Nurse: “Good morning ma’am, I’m here to get some blood!” Patient: “Dracula, you thirsty bitch!”
  43. Mental health patient: You know, you really piss me off, but I like you!
  44. Patient in labor, after pushing for two hours: “I’ve had it. I don’t want to do this any more. I’m going home.”
  45. Diabetic patient: Is diabetes contagious? My dog has it, and he sleeps with me every night!
  46. Patient with flank pain: If I pass a kidney stone, will it come out of my clitoris?
  47. Dehydrated patient: I’m allergic to normal saline. It makes me pee.
  48. Doc: “What month is this?” Patient: “Capricorn.”
  49. Nurse: “Are you thinking about hurting yourself or anybody else?” Patient: “It depends on how long the wait is.”
  50. Patient: I’m allergic to sodium pentathol. It makes me go unconscious.
  51. GYN patient: Chlamydia runs in my family!
  52. Family member: My sister is allergic to Narcan. It makes her freak out.
  53. Pregnant patient: Can I miscarry from getting an enema?
  54. Nurse: “Anybody with heart disease in your family?” Patient: “Yes, my husband and his dad.”
  55. Patient, looking at the meatloaf on her tray: “Is this the patient who died yesterday?”
  56. Nurse: “I’ll hook you up now.” Patient: “Please don’t! Last time I got hooked up I got syphilis!”

Rada Jones MD MBA FACEP is an Emergency Physician in Upstate New York, where winters are long, people are sturdy and geese speak mostly French. She lives with her husband, Steve, and his deaf black cat named Paxil. Her novel OVERDOSE, an ER thriller, is now on Amazon.

Find her at RadaJonesMD.com, facebook Rada Jones MD, instagram radajonesmd , and @jonesrada.