We the Mothers

I recently became a mother of an adorable baby girl and life has been good so far. All was good until my Maternity Leave ended and I had to get back to work. The search for the perfect baby sitter for my baby began and my husband and I finally found one.

I still remember my first day to work after my ML. No, I wasn't miserable. I was relieved to go to the workplace I hadn't seen in a very long time. So I got all dressed up, waved bye to my baby and left. See, the thing is, these things don’t strike you immediately, it takes a week or so. So the day arrived. I smiled, waved bye-bye to my baby and got hurriedly into my car and scooted. I was conscious not to let anyone see how my eyes had welled up. I felt like the worst mother in the world. I mean, who on earth leaves their baby with a stranger?!! Actually, every other working woman does, these days, but those feelings just rushed in. I missed my baby so much and cried my way to work that day. Since that day, forget about smiling, I even stopped talking to my baby sitter properly. I see her as some kind of horrible person who takes my baby away from me every day and returns her back every evening. I feel like she isn’t good enough. And no, I don’t want to find another one. Because no one would be good enough. Not as good as me for my baby. But again, there can never be an alternate for a mother.

I don’t know if stay-at-home moms feel satisfied and secure and no one complains about them. But we the working ones are the ones criticized the most. I have heard my mother asking me to quit my job at least 50 times since I conceived. Maybe she is right in her own terms. Sometimes that gets me thinking, does anyone even care about me and what I want in life?

While at work, there is this occasional scrolling of pictures on my mobile to have a look at my baby. Sometimes, when I have my headphones on, I even watch a quick video and smile. Makes me feel like I’m with her. But the most ecstatic time in a day can only be the time I leave office and head home. That’s generally the fastest ride and most exciting ride of the day. I start imagining my baby’s face and smile on my way home. I think about how and what are the games we could play that evening or what I can cook for her. And the minute my baby hears me unlocking my car door, there she is, behind that mesh door of my house. The minute her eyes meet mine, she smiles and shows off her four-teeth smile.

Makes me feel like, ahh..well.. our time apart is the reason we are the closest.