living in a myth

myths and fables.

fabricated stories. battles fought in the mind. is it true? if I just apply my mind, can i truly do everything i set out to do? is that the secret ingredient to success? sheer will power? if i think it, i can achieve it?

the myth of productivity. why do we have to be productive in the first place? how do we measure productivity? how do we define productivity? what is productivity? who knows if i’m productive or not? we need better assessment tools. i need a measuring instrument that i can gauge myself with. how is my performance? what are some external markers that i can utilize to mark my progress in work and life?

question after question. these days, i don’t seem to have an answer. it’s gotten difficult for me to come up with answers. maybe it’s because i haven’t eaten much. maybe it’s because i’m on an empty stomach half of the day. i get to work around 9 and get off at 5. and then i have an hour from 12 to 1 for lunch break. that gives me seven hours to produce and to perform. but as of the moment i don’t have something that can prove that i’m indeed working.

that’s because i’m not working. truth be told. confession time. i’m wasting most of my time on reading and watching. i’m consuming but not producing. can i justify myself with the wages i’m receiving? am i doing my end of the deal whenever the institution pays me? i’m one of the higher paid people here on campus but do i owe up to what i’m being paid?

deep soul searching. answer is no. i’m ashamed but i got to be honest. at least here. at least in this place. believing that this article will not go viral. i haven’t been able to give my best for the past six months. and half of the year has gone by right in front of my eyes. a day seems extraordinarily long. but yet when i look back, a month is short, a year shorter. time is limited. i grow a day longer every time i close my eyes and open them up the next morning.

apollos hester. what a guy. so clear train of thought. motivational speaking at its finest. i spent a good half hour listening to him. i got all pumped up and read to go. but then i sat at my desk, and boom, all that motivation gone! why? because i couldn’t find something worth my energy, worth my passion.

i’m so terrible with what i think are the frivolous, the little things in life. the stuff that i don’t deem as important. i find it exceedingly difficult to exert myself to do those tasks that are overtly taxing and apparently mundane. yet someone needs to do them. so why not me?

enough of grumbling. enough of venting. enough of ranting. get out there and do! stop talking about doing. actually do! perform! action!

i’m priming myself up because if i’m hung up at this stage of life then i am doing no one particular good, including myself. i need a greater mind set. i need a grander perspective on life.