Last night I had the energy to try
Ever since the person who I thought would be everything I could ever need and want, left me I stopped believing in love.
During the course of this “relationship”, (because we know in today’s society no one wants to be in a relationship) I gave this boy my everything. I dedicated every hour of the day to him, until my schedule resembled something like such:
- Waking up in his twin-size mattress at the crack of dawn, being very careful as to not wake him.
- Showering using all of his products so I could carry on with my day smelling just like him.
- Commuting an hour to my job that was more than a few towns over, usually arriving in dirty clothes because I didn’t have time to do laundry.
- Working from 9AM until 11PM
- Making him dinner and bringing him flowers because though I did work all day I couldn’t get him off my mind.
- Commuting an hour back to his bed, walking through the door bearing gifts and exhaustion without the single recognition of a thank you.
And I repeated this for several months. No I never got the satisfaction of a title. I never received a thank you. I never got taken out on a date to show appreciation. I simply bent myself over backwards for a man that could careless. I was used, and I allowed myself to be used because that was easier than sleeping alone.
After he walked out of my life because I finally stood up for myself- I started working on myself. I started making it a point to shower every morning using all of my favorite products, washing my laundry, making my bed- and sleeping in it. But by the time I started to see other people, I couldn’t trust them. I couldn’t give them the attention they deserved.
Not until last night.
Last night I spent a long time getting ready to take a man out to dinner, because he had a long day at work.
I took my car to the car wash, because he deserves a luxurious ride.
I stopped at the store and bought him flowers, because it was Tuesday.
I’m trying. I know that seems to be a theme lately but when people make promises that they can’t keep, when they could care less to stick around, they tend to ruin other people. Lately I’m trying not to be ruined. I’m trying to fall in love, despite broken promises. I’m trying to trust. I’m trying to care, because they deserve it.
Even if this isn’t the end of the road for me- if I still haven’t met the man I’m supposed to marry I will treat every man until then like he is.
I will not allow a boy to break the bones that protect the very heart I’ll give to a man.