The entertainment derived from pain
As I lay in bed with my boyfriend watching the newest season of the ever fascinating television series Shameless, I am taken over by emotion. If you aren't familiar with the series I suggest you take a couple days off from work, put on your favorite pajamas, order pizza, and binge watch your life away. For those of you who are incapable of doing such you must know that Shameless is centered around two alcoholic parents and the lives of their dysfunctional children as they go through the whims and turns of life.
Among the many hardships the children face they are misguided by the hands of a present body though absent minded alcoholic father and a mother just as bad- both of which only show up when they need something. Through the seasons you will grow with the family. You will watch the oldest daughter, Fiona pick up the pieces her parents leave behind; as she juggles her own life and becomes a care taker for her five siblings.
I know that as Americans we love indulging in any type of entertainment that takes away the stressors of our everyday lives, however as I lay here I am only reminded of the very experiences I went through everyday as a child. Having grown up around the same environment as the Gallagher family many episodes leave my body tense and my heart aching until morning.
The ache of expectation on how a mother should behave is a standard my own mother could seldom reach. This has brought up the controversy of realizing that my mother who has failed to be such an example; is someone I must look at in a different light in order to combat a future resentment. I have realized that though I do not have the kind of relationship that I had wished, I still have a relationship that I can build upon.
It was never about the abandonment, the foreclosing on our house, the lack of paying the electric, the infidelity, the broken promises, the endless beatings, or the never ending arguments that were eventually broken up by the police: I forgave my mother for all of these things long ago. I now had to forgive her for the simple fact that she didn’t live up to my expectation.
I must now dissect the person that I had always hoped my mother could be from the person that she is. I must take what I have gone through and learn how to become the mother that I never have, for the children that I have yet to bring into this world. People find Shameless to be entertaining, it draws them in and makes them forget about whatever stressors their enduring in their own life. This just isn’t the case for me or anyone in my family. Shameless is but a reminder of where I came from, and where I am headed.
Despite the burial my past dug for me, I learn and I rise.