Sometimes I wonder why I feel all of the weight of the world so heavily. I wonder why my bones ache, my head is throbbing, and I always focus on doom. I remember times when I didn’t worry of walking on egg shells, or that my life would never pan out… but now it’s almost a semi-hourly concern. I wonder if I am a good enough girlfriend- but not just simply that, I wonder how someone could be with me when I’m such an absolute slob.
Which I am not. It’s simply my mental state distorting the image of my all white robe wrapping my body, which from my angle is bunched and bulging. I look at my body in the mirror and I am not happy- but I put very little effort towards changing it. I have gained complacency for too long in a life I am too comfortable in- and now the walls are crumbling on me and they’re all gratified with, “You are not enough.”
The idea of trying “my best” has varied through out my life given the circumstances that I’m in- but I have noticed that I rarely rise above that. I do not think of myself as courageous, or motivated; both things that I once clung to as my personality. I wonder how someone who traveled overseas by herself, lived in a foreign country, and joined the military could conquer so much more than a full time job working in retail. I thought I could conquer so much more than a woman who despises her body, and punishes herself mentally for it.
I don’t finish a box of cereal because “oh god I ate too much,” I can’t have more than one slice of pizza without imagining lard sticking to my stomach.
I thought I could conquer so much more; but I first have to conquer the bug in my brain that executes those thoughts.
To do that? I’m going to be more active, I’m going to watch what I eat, and I’m going to do it because I am enough, and I deserve the best version of myself I can create. I am a young adult, growing up far too fast, and though I can be gentle with myself I know I need to try to do more. At my age this life is simply up to me, I am now the sole creator of my future, and I’m molding that with my present actions.
I may start small, but I am starting somewhere.