I recently started driving. Never had that experience before. Now that I do, I have two things to say: first, it’s pretty fun, I genuinely enjoy driving; second, it’s pretty insane that we trust others to do the right thing. Now that I know from the inside what a driver can be, I’m reluctant to use Lyft or taxi. (Previously, I loved to check out during the ride.)
A similar experience I had with language. I like to say that in English I’m only 70% as smart as I was in Russian. I don’t know whether it’s true (“never let the truth stand between you and the good stats”) but I definitely had much smoother experience with Russian. I didn’t have to do any conscious work — the words would pop out themselves, in a coherent, grammatically correct way, seasoned with appropriate cultural references — so, my all mental work was on the content, not representation.
My relationship with English started off well. I’ve been learning it since 6–7 years old and I was good at it. Well, correction: I was better than most. When “the most” changed to be native speakers instead of ESLs like myself, my confidence started dying the proverbial painful death of thousand cuts.
A comment about my accent here and there. A correction. A misunderstanding. A complete misunderstanding. It spiraled down pretty hard, really. Sometimes instead of a good word that fits well into the context I go with a safer synonym, because I don’t have my younger self chutzpah anymore and most importantly, I doubt myself.
What can I tell you. Negative feedback is a real bitch. 'Real' in the sense that it does exist and it works. I have to force myself to speak up, to talk — especially with the new people, because there was no calibration and all my thousand cuts will just get irritated again.
There’s no end to the story. I’m writing from the trenches. Well, actually from a plane, not being able to fall asleep but you get the idea.
