How to write an article about the Romanian IT in 10 easy steps (when you don’t know shit about it, but still look like an expert!)
Hello guys &gals !
I have an awesome step by step tutorial inspired by an awesome piece of writing and logic that got a bit of traction on social media last week. If you want to achieve the same levels of notoriety, here are the steps to follow:
- If you want to look like a pro, you need to start with intuition, baby! Get a couple of examples of how you successfully used intuition in the past, especially linked to life changing situations, major economical events, and stuff like that. You must definitely add a link to at least one TED talk, otherwise people will simply think that you’re nothing but some poor guy who was the last to discover the hot water. If you really want people to believe you, you should try to get the dates right. If your intuition told you to work for a brokerage house till 2011 and to focus on front-end technologies starting with 2013 then just buy a T-Shirt with “Fuck yeah … my intuition never failed me”. My intuition tells me that you can get 2 for one really cheap, and I’ve heard that “Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups” is on sale.
- You need to add some universal truths to your article, something like the earth is round, we breathe air kind of things. If those are about the global IT, let’s take the “supper-bubble”, the new DOT.COM bubble, the tech-start-up bubble. Any bubble for that matter, since it’s generally known that in IT there are mostly guys, and we LOVE bubbles. Talking about something that is generally perceived as true will help you build trust with your readers and get past the if this is true then his intuition MUST be true. Also make sure to preach for bad universal truths, they strike a cord with Romanians.
- You need to add some data to you article. Please make sure it’s as diverse as possible, newspaper links, official studies, anything that can be remotely linked with the domain. You need at least 3 o 4 data sources, since otherwise the article will look completely unprofessional. Now, if you don’t have enough data, don’t bother too much, just google one of two keywords like “corporate inertia” or “contrarian”. Doesn’t really matter if the result are in a different language, because everyone of those cheap outsourcing IT people in Romania speak English and they will understand it. I am writing this mind-blowing tutorial in English, bitches!
- Don’t ever bother reading the data you’re using to argument the article. Just say what you want and add a link. For example just say something like “Romanian IT is fucked because it’s low end” and link it with a report. If you carefully read the report you might come across something that contradicts what you are saying and then you’re back to step 3 and searching for real data is soooo uncool. Later on, when someone points out that you’re way off, you just copy paste the link again in a comment and be defensive: “this is the data!”
- Live the “I’m a programmer I SWAG for a living” logo. I mean, if you’re in IT you definitely know how to estimate things properly (at least if you’re moderately successful). So for example if by mistake you actually read something like “On the mid-term, the trend of increasing the value added to the IT services provided from Romania is visible, while still focusing on growing on the junior workforce, for which the gap from Western costs is the most important. On the longer term, Romania’s positioning is expected to consolidate as a target market for higher added-value services, R&D centers and significant domestic market projects that would include high-end solutions and technologies”, just translate as “dominated by low-end outsourcing, inertial and passive”. Fuck trends and future, we’re talking intuition, remember?
- Use some data that has numbers, preferably percentages because they are cool and can be argument anyway you want. For example who cares what the mix of revenues is in the IT industry (services, SW outsourcing, R&D, etc …) when you can say that 7$ out of 10 come from exports and those are mostly low-end outsourcing. I am sure that Bitdefender, Amazon, Adobe, Continental, Siemens, Avangate, Vector, Ericsson, and the like are a only a small fraction, single digits all combined. Remember step 3. I almost listed Intel here but damn, they are closing down the R&D center and are not even doing low-level outsourcing, those innovative bastards!
- Romania is a cheap country so make sure you use this as your main argument, the “Pièce De Résistance”. There are two things you need to make sure: first that you don’t research anything, and second that you don’t use any basis for comparison. In case you have actually have a brain that can be used to more than just PHP or (insert any front-end technology here) you might take a look at the reports for SE Asia, India and China outsourcing, don’t even compare us with Poland, Czech Republic, Slovakia, Hungary, Ukraine, Russia, maybe South America (Brazil, Chile).
- If you really have balls (sorry gals, it’s just a saying so don’t feel excluded), then you should make sure you say “cheap” is the “only” competitive advantage. Location, time-zone, education level, communication skills, cultural background those are all traits that do not matter when choosing a contractor. For low-end services they really don’t so you’re not at fault, no matter what others are saying!
- Make sure you keep true to your credo. If you went with low-end then don’t change it. I mean fuck Deutsche Bank, ING and Unicredit who opened IT centers in Romania that handle software development and critical and core applications and services. I mean those are just 3 of the top 15 European banks. Now the fact that some outsourcing companies in Cluj, Timisoara, Iasi and Bucharest are also providing services for Loyd’s, BNP, HSBC, Thomson-Reuters and Barclays. Of course they can’t talk about it. The war in Ukraine had also nothing to do with the incredible growth in outsourcing contracts relocated to Romania from Ukraine and Russia, because Western European companies did not move some of their important (not low-end just to be explicit) services to countries inside EU to reduce the business risk. Intuition we have, facts are futile!
- Last, make sure you understand almost nothing about technology. That’s totally easy to achieve, if you just have to say that Java and .NET are technologies for “enterprise apps, applications for mobiles and tables” and have nothing to do with big data, cloud computing and AI. Right away people will assume that you have nothing to do with that either, so since you’re not a true geek you must have perfect intuition and tell the truth. Now this part is really important so please make sure you don’t fuck it up! Don’t C++! Never LUA! Python is soo00 2011! (I don’t want to mention Node.JS because it has JS in it and might be mistaken for a front -end technology).
Now, go write some articles because machines will soon start writing the code and ALL programers will become obsolete! (Just kidding, only front end developers who you used to write PHP will!).