The Surreality of New Polyamory
“I don’t know. This is crazy. Is this a good idea? Is this crazy?”
“I don’t think it’s crazy,” J said. “You don’t have to do it.”
“I know I don’t. But I want to.”
“Then you should do it.”
“But it’s crazy.”
Looking back, surreal was probably a better word. It was surreal that I was distressing over whether to spend the night with another man, while my long-time partner was patiently supporting me.
Polyamory. Whenever I had heard it when I was younger, I was quick to say that I could never. “I’m too jealous. I’m too possessive. I would get my feelings hurt.” And now it’s become a reality that I wasn’t expecting.
I was pacing through my apartment, throwing things into a daisy-patterned duffle bag at random. I had been invited by my other partner (we’ll call him Michael) to spend the night at a hotel with him about an hour away. It would be the first time that we had spent the night together, after being friends for a couple of years and dates when our schedules allowed. He was at the hotel as part of a work trip, and it seemed to be an even ground for an overnight date.
But I was scared. There seemed to be endless possibilities for something to go wrong.
Michael may figure out he doesn’t like me as much as he thought.
The night could go badly and then be awkward.
How am I supposed to act in the morning?
What if I snore?
And probably the greatest fear, a reasonable one when you’ve opened your relationship: What if it’s too much and J hates me after?
Even now, it does seem as if I shouldn’t be allowed to be polyamorous. Maybe it’s societal conditioning, maybe it’s that sense of Methodist morality I thought I had misplaced long ago. But he shouldn’t be letting me…right?
It’s hard to let go of that. Sometimes I feel guilty, like maybe if I was “normal”, I wouldn’t need to be polyam. But I enjoy relationships, I enjoy different relationships, and J understands. He supports me. He feels like more than I deserve but just maybe I do.
…and it was a pretty perfect night.
