Hello, Depression

You know I hate u. How many times do I have to tell u. I’ve tried so hard to get rid of u! For years I thought I could just ignore u. That you’d go away on your own. That I’d grow out of u. That I could just exercise harder or eat better or pray longer and u’d get the hint and move on. But here we are again. And u know, I think I’m starting to figure u out. After spending so much time with u over the past 5 years, I’m beginning to wonder if you’ll ever go away. So I’d better learn to deal with u. It’s either that or u’ll keep chipping away, trying to destroy me and everything I love. The first thing I’ve learned about you is that u are not an emotion. U, depression, are the lack of emotion. I used to mistake u for sadness, but I can see much more clearly now. U are not sadness. I can deal with sadness. Sadness is a natural feeling I get when my heart ache, usually when I miss someone. Without sadness, I’d have a hard time understanding what it trully means to be happy. But, depression, you don’t teach me anything about happiness. U are numbness; a void. So I’m sorry to break it to u, but even sadness is better than u. The second thing I’ve learned about u is that I did nothing wrong to deserve u. U aren’t the punishment for some misdeed. U’re a biological condition; struggle of the mind. I used to wonder what I needed to change in my life so that i’d make sure I never saw u again. What was I doing wrong? Maybe if I made more money, or moved to a different place I could finally be free. Now I know that u are not the result of my circumstances. I view my struggle with u like no other workout. Its going to take lots of time and dedication to put u in ur place. The third thing I’ve learned is that I have the power to choose my attitude. I always do, despite what u say. U and I have been face to face so many times, and lots of times you’ve convinced me that I can’t change; that I need to remain in my detached, numb, depressed state for a while longer and let it all just play out. But you’re wrong. Even when u’re around I can choose to respond positively to the world around me. Even when I am depressed, its sill my choice to do the things I do and say the things I say. Because I choose to feel. U see, I’ve got people who are counting on me, people who I love, and I just can’t let them down. So anyway, I just thought i’d set the record straight with u. Since u seem to like to stick around, u should at least know how I feel. And I will always choose to feel. ;)

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