This afternoon, for the first time, I felt myself drowning. It was as if the entire room was closing in on me like a scene from a movie and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t feel. I was just here…barely existing.
I have never felt this type of energy before, not since my divorce, but here I was…unable to comprehend what was happening…unable to cry…even though I felt like I needed it.
Taking the advice of a dear friend, I paused all of my thoughts and found a way to center myself so that I could literally breathe my way out of what had to be the most epic panic attack that I have ever had.
I sat here and blamed this experience on every aspect of my life until it occurred to me that what I was experiencing wasn’t just a typical “attack”. It was my mind, body and soul telling me to accept the hurt and trauma of the last year, remove the band-aids that have somehow structured my internal survival kit, breathe and move on.
My nephew reminded me today about how much we used to create together and the fun that we had with art and technology. He’s been tugging at my entire being…begging me to get back to being the aunt that he enjoyed being around. We would just make and tinker for hours but for a long time, I haven’t been that person.
I miss her.
I can’t believe that I am saying this but I allowed what others believed of me to cloud who I know that I am for myself.
That’s how trauma works. I know this. I’ve even talked to a therapist but somehow I guess I just decided not to truly…truly deal…
…until today when my soul had enough.
It’s been a few hours. I’m actually smiling again and am finally ready to tackle my new “dream” beginnings in a few weeks surrounded by people who believe in not just me but also the core beliefs that frame my academic mission.
Today though, on my last day at 43, I welcome back the creator who has been shelved for far too long.
Dear people in power, if your goal is to break the spirits of those you should empower, do keep them from being their truest selves. Do keep them on edge to the point that they lose trust in people and also themselves.
At the same token, if your goal is to support and empower, let the definitions of those words guide your thoughts and actions.
Dear Braeden, Thank you for reminding me what I was missing and demanding that I put all of this in writing.