Incest: keeping it hidden from myself, fragmented identity
When I have told parts of the story, it is always in first person, I. But the truth is, my mind has hidden it behind “her”. It is not me, it is her. A way my brain has developed to protect myself from being fully overwhelmed.
The “hers” live in a place called Secret World. They talk to me, they talked to each other, some yell, others cry. The first four developed while still a teen. Responsible has been with me since college. Bitch and Me were the last to appear.
The first time I tried to speak of them was in college. My friend leaned back with a grimace and advised that I should “never talk like this again or people will think you’re crazy!” So, I didn’t. I didn’t until several years ago. This time my friend didn’t cringe, she simply listened.
I know these are a less cohesive picture than if I would write today, but I wanted to give you an unfiltered glimpse of each of them.
Little. Little is a real little girl, age 6, who really took Jesus’s hand and walked away from me, gently smiling and waving. She is gone, never a part of our conversations. We love her and miss her. Journal entry, 2020
Secret. She is 12 years old and full of rage, fear, sadness, loneliness and longing. Her body is physically bigger than Little, her appearance more disheveled. She most often speaks with cursing and aggressive protectiveness. She holds the events….When we drove past the house on — , she looked up at the bedroom window and remembered the stage just on the other side of that roof. She could see the little girl playing and then the little girl atop him. She does not like to drive past there. Journal entries, 2020
Voice. Voice is fully aware of what is going on at all times. She does not have a physical appearance, but she is the one to speak most often, usually several to many times a day, offering a way out of any situation. Her main suggestions are gun or pills. Gun is on the right side of my head, pills are always a combination and then laying in bed, covered up. Less frequently she reminds me that we could simply jump off the bridge, cross the yellow line, drive off the embankment or hit the bridge. Occasionally she reminds me of the car in the garage. Rope is never a suggested option. Journal entry, 2020
Mature. She is responsible, has a more mature authoritative role. Her appearance is not as clear to me, but she is physically fully developed, her appearance is neat and orderly, she is always standing. Sometimes she is commanding, other times she is soft, gentle, and coaxing. She will, at times, kneel beside Secret. Her job is to override the desires to stay physically hidden, attack, or somehow act socially inappropriate. Journal entry, 2020
Responsible. Responsible needs validation that she has done well with her life. That her children are maturing well. That her money has been well spent and invested. To know that her house is a warm and loving home. To be reassured she has faced educational challenges, both personal and professional and has faced them with courage, strength, and excellence. Journal entry, 2021
Me. After watching Secret huddled with her box, ME is screaming!! She is screaming at Tony, my family, anyone who dares to touch me!!
“F-you stupid -hole!!! You keep showing up in my dreams and I can’t get you out of my life!!! I should kill you!! String you up like a pig and gut you!! From top to bottom I will kill you!!! You hurt her. She has never recovered!!! She never will!!! She will die with the wounds you inflicted on her. No, no physical scars, but instead the beautiful glass vase full of playfulness and love has been shattered!!! You did it when you laughed in her face, when you broke her soul, when you turned her into a nasty slut, when she broke in two!!! I will kill you for each and every one of those shards of glass you f- son of a b-!!! To slobber on her, to arouse her body, to entice her, to trap her, to allow her to think she was the bad girl!!! Telling what you did to me has not fixed this!!! Time hasn’t touched it! Medication helps hold the anxiety at bay. Nothing you stinking -hole!! Nothing has cured what you have broken!!! F-you, big brother!!! F- you!!! Journal entry, 2021
Bitch. But there seems to be more to Bitch than just the doorkeeper. Maybe she holds the pleasure of the abuse. The orgasm the arousal, the desire. She is called Bitch for a reason. Is she the slut, whore, bitch he would call me? Yes, that seems to be her. She is this. She is the whore who seeks. She is the slut who would entice. She is the bitch who would do as they asked. As I look at her, she is beautiful. Her hair is just past her shoulders, brown and silky. Her face is soft and tender. She looks like a retouched Senior picture. Mature for her age. She knows how to entice a man. Where to touch, how to flirt, how to give him the enticing look. She knows where to stand so that he can smell her. She touches him ever so lightly, wondering if he will return the gesture. Yes, that is Bitch. She is the slut, she is the whore, she is the bitch. Journal entry, 2023.
I don’t claim to understand it from a psychological or physiological view, I just know that my Secret World is real. It has always been with me, not made up as I went along.
I will continue to post about incest and the ramifications. If you would like further glimpses, Rahab’s lineage is linked here.