WHY MARRIAGES FAIL?
Statistics published by Office for National Statistics in 2015 clearly shows that the number of marriages in England and wales have considerably declined from 1950 and the number of divorce rates have increased with slight variations all over these years.Condition all around the world is no better than this.
It is a serious issue and demand a deep analysis about why people have started to lose their faith in the institution of marriage and why marriages fail climatically leading to divorce.
Its important to see marriage as, any other relationship, only a part of life. There is a tendency to overrate marriage considering it as the regulator of our life.
It is true to an extent that more than half of our life depends on the kind of partner that we get for our peace of mind depends a lot on it but there is really no point in considering marriage as the beginning or end of anything.
We have to learn to see marriage as a part of the journey and it helps a lot to prevent chaos in marriage when we don’t consider it as the ultimate deciding factor of your life. Of course marriage is an important thing but it is not the ONLY important thing.
》 IDEALIZING MARRIAGE
We all are living in a world of simulacra (image without the substance or qualities of the original)where we are unable to distinguish between reality and fiction. The margin between what is real and what is not is blurred.
The question of whether a reality exists or not is problematic as every reality is a construct.In our so-called modern world our reality is constructed by Television , pop culture and Disneyland. We come across all the happy couples, always romancing and living an ideal life.
we see ‘good looking’ man and ‘good looking woman’ enjoying their ‘perfect’ relationship.These kind of images create certain impressions in our mind about how our life partner should be.We watch all these ‘perfect’ man and ‘perfect’ woman in various fictional shows living their ‘ideal’ relationships.
But its crucial to understand that reality is something entirely different. You cannot expect your life partner to have eights packs, perfect jawline and to be thin,rich and romantic always. It just doesn’t happen in reality.
we need to stop idealizing marriage watching all these images.we have to accept that no marriage and no relationship is perfect and no man or no woman either.There are going to be real life problems and difficulties in marriage which every couple has to go through essentially.
One of the longest married couples,John Betar and Ann Betar, when asked about their secret for successful marriage said “ just contentment” and Ann Bater summed up her marriage life like this-“Marriage isn’t a lovey-dovey thing for 80 years. You learn to accept each another’s way of life”
Link to the interview of this iconic couple- https://youtu.be/ZHSMFRUGmsw
》NOT RESPECTING EACH OTHER’S SPACE
Men and women are neither equal nor unequal. None is superior or inferior but both are integrally different.Both need different spaces,parameters and both function in different dynamic situations and structures.
Considering one’s space as the dominating space is an expression of arrogance, masterfulness,self-importance,egoism and pride.The core problem lies in having no respect for each other’s space and their struggles irrespective of gender.
Marriage occurs between two individuals who are supposed to live as partners not as master and slave.It is quite unfair to bound two individuals and their liberty in the name of marriage. Marriage should be a positive endeavour where two people are allowed to grow to their best, hone their talents and where they can be supportive to each other to make their world happy, peaceful ,interesting and complete.
There is so much excitement in getting to know a stranger and having a partner for life to share your opinions, happiness, sorrow, worries,success, failures,ideas and most importantly love.
Marriage is for all the right reasons a very beautiful thing only if we understand the true meaning of it. Its not about domineering but all about respecting each other’s space
Parenting is an art. With no doubt it is a scrupulous task and should be done with extreme sincerity and awareness as parents play a vital role in forming the thought structures, opinions,outlook,perspective,mind-set and panorama of a child regarding almost every matter.
The kind of values and impression that they pass to the next generation is crucial in shaping their lives.
Children who grow up seeing all the negative sides of marriage are likely to believe that marriage is altogether ruinous and evil. They start believing in the impermanent nature of marriage.
Certain impacts children have on their minds have a long-lasting effect. That is why childhood traumas are the worst and it can navigate a child into its most disastrous form.Not only they develop a disgust for marriage but for the world around him/her in general.
They tend to be asocial, unfriendly, uncommunicative, rude,abusive and furious. Definitely all this are going to have a profound influence on their marital life and being brought up in a surrounding where marriage is nothing but an evil chain, they will not be able to comprehend or cope up with certain situations. The end result is nothing but separation.
Parents should be highly conscious about the images that they convey to a child. volumes of advices are trivial and worthless when what parents do is the exact opposite of what they say.Children may not remember what is said but they are definitely going to remember what they saw and they are going to remember it for a life time.
Adults from divorced families hold this belief that marital issues are unsolvable. They are likely to rebels and have suicidal tendencies.Children of divorced parents are more likely to get divorced in the future. Because
“ children from divorced homes have more psychological problems than children who lost a parent to death”
Divorce and Chidrens’s adjustment 1988
All these are going to have a lasting impact on children’s personality and if they are getting married in the future its going to affect their marriage disastrously.
Ann Betar says “your children are all different. find out what interests them the most and work on that”
Iam not a feminist but i believe it is unfair not to state the reality. More than half of men consider themselves as the superior sex and beyond seeing it as a political issue it is vital to understand how it works in familial realm.
It might be such a cliche to talk about domestic abuse in the name of dowry,child birth etc, but well,its true.
we see that more women take initiative for divorce these days. people interpret this as the after effect of the education that they receive and the financial independence that they have gained which essentially makes them proud and contemptuous.
But I observe no one really is bothered about the circumstances that forced them to seek education, financial independence and ultimately divorce. If there was enough freedom and liberty and if they were not oppressed being the ‘second sex’ then they never would have felt a need for a liberation on the first place.
We seek for something that we don’t have and its nothing but human nature to try to live a free and peaceful. So instead of blaming I think it is high time that we start asking WHY?
Effective communication is the backbone of any relationship especialy in marriage. Its not really easy to communicate with the partner particularly because they are two individuals coming from two different backgrounds having two differently sensibilities.
If there is no effective communication between ,then the relationship is for sure going to end in a tragedy. In most situation the problem is not the actual problem but the fact that they are not given the freedom to communicate freely, they are not able to communicate properly or they choose to do so.
Any problem is solvable if two sides are ready to negotiate sincerely. Communication is a powerful tool which has the potential to resolve any kind of issues if they are genuinely dealt with.
When a married couple slay communication for various reasons, they are doing it for no good and it only leads to more devastation.
When a couple is free enough to communicate with each other there is a platform for them to find out what is the actual problem, they can generate solutions and even if they are not able to resolve they will definitely develop a deep understanding which can prevent future issues for understanding each other is the key in a marital life
》COMPROMISING YOUR CHOICE.
An idea about how your life partner can be very helpful.
Its impractical to have fancy ideas or extraordinary expectations about your partner. But its normal to have certain important and practical things that you want from your partner.
While forming these ideas we have to bear in mind that no human being is perfect and what you are expecting from your partner is not unreal and idealistic. Once you make your choice it can create complications if you compromise your choice.
Once you are married,if you compromise your choice, you are likely to get dejected after you encounter the reality.This can create a lot of confusion and the very foundation of marriage will become fragile and unsound.
Compromising you choice for anyone is for no good and at the end of the day marriage is about two individuals who live their life together.So its totally fair to have the freedom to choose your partner according to your choices. There is no harm in that until and unless you choices are too good to be true.
Marriage is not really a difficult thing to last.Its, for me, is one of the beautiful relationships only if we know how to value it. Try to see it as something endearing, try to bring some humor, have compassion for your partner, encourage each other to be a better person, support each other in all the difficult times, make the best out of what you have,be content and most importantly LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY.
“A happy marriage is about three things: memories of togetherness, forgiveness of mistakes and promise to never give upon each other”