My Summer Reflection — Week 6!

Introspection, Inspirations, and Gratitude

Rahul Rangnekar
Jul 10, 2017 · 6 min read

I didn’t think I would write a reflection for this week. I posted a late Week 5 reflection on Tuesday and the rest of the weekdays were uneventful. I was in a café hopped up on caffeine yesterday (Saturday) with no idea what to write, and so decided I would skip a week. But then yesterday night and today was eventful, and I feel it would be best if I put something out. So this reflection is going to be raw — no pictures, no outline, no 100% positivity — just a stream of consciousness (with edits attempted for grammar and flow) that I would normally write in a journal when I need to get things off my mind.

Introspection

I wrote very little about it before, but the end of my first real relationship a little over three months ago was an enormous eye-opener. In the months since, I endured mental stress and anxieties I wouldn’t want anyone to experience, and faced deep insecurities and fears that I never cared to acknowledge (let alone write and talk about). There were days and weeks on end where I couldn’t think beyond how much I enjoyed the relationship and its memories and experiences (even the bad ones), wished I could take back the times I had been inconsiderate, and didn’t believe anyone would love me as much as she had. So for 3 months I was filled with regret about everything I did wrong, stuck in how I could/would have done it differently, and hadn’t forgiven myself for not being a better boyfriend.

Then, finally, I gave myself permission to move on from it. The stress and self-anger melted away and a weight was raised from my chest. The road trip to Utah was the push I needed to move on for two reasons: (1) because my high school friends with whom I made the trip validated my feelings and experiences as we shared similar relationship problems and struggles, and (2) because I was exposed to the kindness, love, and happiness of my recently-married childhood friend. It seemed like the right time to forgive myself for my past self, and move on knowing that I would be a better person more in-tune with his feelings, desires, and values, for the next girl in the next relationship.

My biggest lesson has been to be honest with myself. To face my fears and insecurities — being alone forever in the future, showing “vulnerable” emotions to others, failing to realize my dreams until they pass me by, struggling with my mental and physical healthy, and never being satisfied with myself and what I’m doing — and even sharing them, without fearing for judgment or ridicule.

And to that extent, I’ve become a lot more self-centered (in a good way). I’ve started to care for my happiness and contentment, my personal and professional success, and just myself in general, more than I ever have before. I’ve stopped caring about what other people think or do. It’s good because I have no influence over other people’s actions or feelings (unless I’m actively involved in the situation) and so I shouldn’t exactly hedge myself or my emotions upon them.

But sometimes it sucks. I justify myself with the reasoning that because I can’t influence them (or I think I can’t influence them) that I shouldn’t be concerned about them. And that’s where I hurt my friends. I turn off my brain and listen halfheartedly without voicing my opinion or advice. In these times, I absolutely suck in social settings, get very existential within myself, and check out mentally. I come off as cold-hearted, uncaring, unemotional, “that I hate my friends”, and that I would rather be any place but there. Which is false. I’m there because I care about my friends. I’m not saying anything or paying 100% of my attention because I think there’s nothing I can do about it.

It’s something I did in my relationship which hurt my ex-girlfriend, and rightfully so. It’s something I did last night and hurt my friends. And it terrifies me that I didn’t catch this character flaw in the past 3 months, and some of my friends may think I don’t care about them when that’s the furthest from the truth. And so its something I have to work on.

I’ve always been one to look back at myself from X days/weeks/months ago and tell myself “Wow, that guy was a dumbass. Wish I had known then what I know now. Let’s move on with this newfound knowledge and insights.” I don’t promise to be a perfect person with my life together at all times. But I can honestly say that I have never felt so positively different from the person I was just 3 months ago, and that I’ll never stop trying to be a better person for myself and those I care about.

A Role Model

In less than one year from now, I’ll (hopefully) be working at a full-time job. That fact hasn’t sunk in yet, but it’s been creeping up slowly. Given my recent tear of introspection throughout every aspect of my life, I really want to make sure I recruit and (hopefully, once again) work for a company with values and lifestyles that align with mine.

Today (Sunday), I was able to catch up Vinay — a friend who graduated from Cal last year.

Vinay was one of the first people I met at Cal. He was an ASUC (student government) Senator, and I was one of his office interns. He represented the South/Southeast Asian student populations and was one of the reasons I finally accepted and found pride in being Indian (and Hindu). He is one of the most relentlessly hard-working and determined people I have ever met, and couldn’t care less about himself. Of course he cares about personal and professional success and being able to support himself and his family, but he’s willing to forgo the immediate reward behind getting a stable job and salary in order to work tirelessly (16+ hours/day, weekends included) on his startup that helps tens of thousands (and soon-to-be hundreds of thousands) university students and public citizens be safe.

Vinay is the kind of person I want to be. Someone leading his life to make the world a better place for others. Someone compassionate enough to realize his goals and values early on in his life, and selfless enough to do so immediately post-graduation. Someone fearless enough to give his everything into a beneficial cause and product. But someone who also finds time for people like me, and can relax and enjoy life when he isn’t hard at work. He is the guy I want to see succeed in life and in all his endeavors, and I know will do so.

Gratitude

You never realize what you have until you don’t have it. My back is screwed up. I deadlifted with a sore back on Tuesday and haven’t felt good since. It’s stiff with no end in sight, and concerns me enough that I might get it checked out if the pain doesn’t subside in day or two.

I’m normally sore for a day or two after deadlifts, but this one’s different. It’s isolated in my lower back and can’t be stretched out no matter how much yoga I do. Painkillers haven’t really helped, and it’s just been on my mind.

That being said, I’m so thankful that it’s just my back and it’s probably just more sore/stiff than usual. I’m healthy otherwise. My heart’s beating. My lungs work. My brain is active. My kidneys and liver are filtering. My stomach is digesting. I’m alive and breathing. I’m mentally and physically able to lift weights, jump rope, run for miles, work on several projects, and live my life.

I can afford my housing and material goods thanks to my wonderful parents. My sister is a genius and an inspiration in my life. My dog is happy and healthy. My friends are good people. I’m attending the best public university in the world. I have an expensive laptop that works flawlessly and allows me to write, share, and accomplish my desires. I have Spotify Premium. I have a roof above my head. My apartment has clean running water and electricity. My bed is warm.

There’s just so much I take for granted on a daily basis, from my health to my material possessions to the people who love me and care for me and want to see me succeed. I’m just thankful.


Rahul Rangnekar is a rising senior studying Computer Science and Economics at UC Berkeley. He enjoys weightlifting, reading, and cooking. He is passionate about marketing and technology, and hopes to find a career in product management (or software development!).

Rahul Rangnekar

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Software Developer && Writer, UC Berkeley Computer Science & Economics graduate

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