3/12/17

Saturday, Full moon in Venus? something tonight.

It’s supposedly a big deal.

My heart is aching. Bleeding actually. Will it ever be whole? Do I have to be hole before I can have love — you know the mushy gushy intimate sexy love? with a partner that loves me just because?

I wonder, sometimes I wonder.

Today I grieve — alone again. Destined so it seems to a future I don’t understand or comprehend- not a lot of bright in my future right now.

Wanting to leave it louder than staying sometimes — and I wonder if it’s me?

I just want to be happy again. it’s been soo soo long. some days it just hurts too much. And then I remember my nieces — the reason I am still here, I think they are grown now and don’t need me — is it true or not? I won’t know if I leave.

my heart just wants to burst open. cutting seems strangely an option -though when I gave it up years ago I swore never again — heck I can’t even use a lancet for a medical test on my self.

Seem to be triggered over and over again — the one left out, forgotten, worth only the crumbs from the table — if that, the kids table, not worth being with the grown ups — even if I knew how.

I wonder what happened to me, where did I go? I don’t know.

Cookies, energy drinks, booze, Excedrin — nothing really helps, just a band-aid that leaves me more behind.

Cutting — no, tatto, maybe.

I am just so tired of the quick fixes, there are none. if there were I’d be rich by now — maybe.

I know the promises that I’ve been given, I just wonder when? and will I make it until then. Today I wonder if I’ll make it at all.

I don’t really want to leave, and I am challenged to see options.

I don’t know what or if there is real help for me, and if so when will it come?

There are 2 -3 helpers here for you now. You are not lost or forgotten my little one. We are here, here to help and support you, trust, hold our hand, we will show you the way. You are not forgotten, not at all.

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