Tired and fed up, nothing seems to interest me anything anymore. I feel like I am someone else who have been trying to change himself but realized that that change was not for myself but for other people for the sake of acceptance. I tried to kill my ego and jealousy but they never seem to leave my side. I am procrastinating my priorities and focusing more on becoming someone else’s priority. But lately I realized that I can be a priority of my own version and not someone else.
Sometimes I feel that people tend to hate me on two stages, first when they don’t know me and second when they come to know me. I guess they would have to allow themselves to fall in the core of my heart to know me, who I really am. I am not that bad and clumsy as the society thinks I am, but yeah!!! I am full of flaws and I know that. I am lonely and heartbroken. I have guilt, jealousy and regrets. I fall in love easily and afraid to confess it. I sometimes get fucked up for no reason at all. I am having concentrating and unable to stick to my decisions.
The delusion of fear and insecurity took over my mind and heart and the shits are getting real and messy. I had a rough week. My friend threw me out of his house at a party and I still don’t know why. Maybe I should stop trying to be myself at social gatherings and focus more on normal behavior (the behavior, the society accepts). I get judgemental comments and looks and its killing my mind. I somehow realized that I have lost my purpose for which I left home because I was too busy convincing everyone. I love a girl but she will not accept the way I am. No one asks me how I am. I tried opening up myself but later have seen that its not worth it. I HAVE LOST HOPE and I know that hope is all that I have to carry now with hardwork.