Let them not give up on life yet! Let them know that they really matter!
It was the summer of 2009, when I was hit by the first major loss in my adult life. To be precise, it was actually a departure of someone from my life, but I call it a loss, as that person was someone I really loved with all my heart and thought was my soul-mate. While I did have lost someone even before, someone very very close to me back when I was a kid, but that was different. Back then, I was really young to understand deeply what a loss signified, and I had my ever loving parents next to me to see that the sorrow hit me as less as possible. And therefore, I was still naive — unaware of actual loss and the life-altering pain that comes along.
That summer of 2009 was a blow that I had not seen coming. Sure, it was not death; while the person was very much alive the love we had between us had died, or so at least from his side. I was in pain — much more than I had ever known till then. I had countless insomniac nights, I had lost my appetite, and I was completely cut off from the real word. Those were my MBA days, a serious course in a serious college. But that didn’t stop me from failing to stay sane. I would not submit my weekly assignments, my grades were dropping constantly, I would skip most of my campus placement interviews and I was sure that the grief would not let me live. I had no control on my own heart and head. There were times when I would go without eating for days, and then one fine day I would eat and because I ate after so long my health would deteriorate. And then I would take medicines without a prescription and I would fall even sicker. And in all this, I wished I were dead. To be honest, there were times I would sit on my terrace contemplating a jump while looking at the screen of my mobile. Often I used to find myself waking up on the edge of the terrace next morning, to realize that I had been there all night. I didn’t know it then, but looking back now, I know for sure that I was moving, slowly but surely, towards something we fail to ever acknowledge, that is, depression.
The change in me was so evident that some classmates of mine (who were not even my good friends till then, I mean while I knew everyone I didn’t have many close friends during those days) had started ringing me up after college to know if I were well. Maybe I had this expressive face or behavior that made them spot the difference. Or maybe I was really behaving strange without my knowing it. Whatever maybe the reason, a few people did notice the different me and started reaching out to me.
I avoided these calls. I was not willing to talk to anyone but just one person, and that person wouldn’t call. One text or call from that person could have made me happier, but that text or call would never come. And that had made me hate everyone else. So, I ignored everyone, often so outright that it was one step away from being offensive. But some of my friends were really persuasive, so much so that I had eventually given in. I had started talking to them. Very less to start with, but when I did start, I shared all that was bothering me all along. I started hanging out with them more, stopped being alone all the time, went out on random drives and in the course started getting back to normalcy — slowly but steadily.
It was not easy at all — in fact I myself was not willing to get better cuz for me there was no point of being happy again without that one person in my life. Every time I wanted to smile, all I could think of was the times that we had smiled together. Every time I listened to music, I wanted to scream cuz every song brought so much memories of him back. Every corner of the city I went to, it made me remember him and that made me weep some more. All in all, there was nothing I wanted to do to get out of my mourning self. But eventually, piece by piece I did put myself back together.
Looking back, it took good long 3 years for me get out of that heart-break and be truly happy again. But the beginning could happen because a kind friend of mine had noticed that something was not right with me and offered a hand to hold when I myself didn’t know that I needed one. I didn’t ask for it cuz I didn’t know if I needed any help — I was not in a state to know it. I was so consumed in my own grief, and was trying so hard to fight it in my own way that if not for my friend’s persuasion I would have gone even deeper into the world of darkness, all alone, maybe to never return.
Once I got out of that phase I realized that I had come out being stronger than before. Maybe not in a way that I would try changing the world, but in a way that could save me from consciously falling prey to any hurtfulness. Today, I have come a long way since those times. I have a life that I love , I have a job that I’m passionate about, I have people in my life that love me and I too love back. Does that mean I have never ever got hurt since that time? Certainly not. No matter how much one tries, life is such a journey which is not smooth at all. And in this journey we really don’t know, and we certainly don’t have any control on how the very next moment would be.
And, therefore I have faced similar heartbreaks again. Maybe not when it comes to love, but nonetheless the affect is the same. I have been let down again — sometimes professionally, sometimes personally. Sometimes it’s others, but sometimes it’s myself — who has let down my own self.
This is the price we pay for living in a world which is so much bigger than we can truly adjust to. For so many of us, there are so many dreams unfulfilled, there are so many plans un-executed, there are so many expectations unmet and there are so many wishes that have never come true and maybe never would. We have these hopes dying untimely death, joys never experienced and there are these sorrows never ever leaving the soul. And all these accumulate to give rise to a sense of failure — a feeling so destructive that without even knowing, it makes us see the world from a space from where nobody should see the world. It’s a place so dark, tainted, and chaotic that we fail to feel our own soul, even acknowledge the existence of it.
Could such a feeling exist? Could such a feeling where we fail to recognize our own soul exist? Many will argue. Many will find these just mere words — or failed poetry, after-effects of reading a Murakami. But it’s not just that. Such a feeling does exist for real. I have experienced it first hand, sometimes consciously and sometimes without me even acknowledging it. When I’m conscious of these feelings I try to do everything in my capacity to get out of it. I try seeking help from anyone I can afford to; I try to do anything and everything that can make myself stop losing faith in life.
But then, sometimes I fail. I fail miserably to accept that I’m moving towards darkness. And in those moments, all I want to do is tuck myself in a corner from where I can’t see anything, nor anyone else can see me. All that I have always cared and loved and appreciated stop making sense to me. And, during these difficult times, all that saves me is the love and support that I get from the people who know me and really care for me. These are that handful of people who can see me beyond my usually happy and content self. These are those people who can see beyond my tallest pair of stilettos, my perfectly set hair, my lovely new attire or my happy smile while sipping my morning coffee. And because they make the effort to see me that way they know that it’s possible for me to break down at times, in fact many times. Therefore, they wouldn’t leave me alone in my hour of need, they would - despite my arrogance - stick by my side and would wait patiently for me to speak up - pour my heart out to them. Yes, the wait is long, but nonetheless they would wait, letting me know they are waiting, and more often than not, this faith is what actually brings me back to life.
Why am I writing about these dark tearful times? What is the point I’m trying to make here?
Well, the last week has been a very difficult week for me. I have lost two people to untimely death. Two people I have admired immensely. One I knew closely — a beautiful sole, who had made an amazing impression on me, which I can never forget. She was someone who had lightened up everyone around her with her cheerfulness, passion and intelligence. The other, a global legend, who gave me millions of reasons to mend my own broken heart, someone who I matured listening to. His music is something I go back to after every let down I encounter in my life. And yet, both took their own lives, despite being such source of inspiration for many.
In my heart, these deaths are yet to sink in, I’m not sure if they ever will. But I see everyone discussing how it’s unfair and selfish of them to do what they did, how taking own life is their revenge on the world. I understand these sentiments and also maybe I do get what they’re trying to say. Yes, it looks unfair to the world, to put an end to immense possibilities. Yes, It looks selfish, not to think about the ones who truly loved them and cared for. But that doesn’t mean that they ended their lives just for the sake of it. Instead, maybe, just maybe it’s the rest of us who turned our backs on them in the hour of need. Maybe it’s us who let them down, so much so that they lost faith in us. Maybe it’s us who failed to make them feel that we actually care.
I know for a fact that, nobody can ever, I mean ever, understand the darkness that someone else, who is not them, faces. As spectators we see the surface — the happy smile, the talented personality, the forever lovely outlook. But scratch the surface, and we see something that’s not visible in the first glance. The sorrows covered under the layers of lovely clothes, the tears under the glittering smiling eyes and the anguish behind the articulated words. How can we? We all are busy admiring, appreciating, acknowledging their goodness, and in addition expecting more and more from them. Do we really care enough to have a deeper conversation instead of small talks? Do we care enough to ever make them feel that we can actually connect beyond the surface? Do we care enough to let them know that no matter what, we will be there for them? Do we care enough to let them know that we care?
I’m not sure. To be honest, even after staying under the same roof, people are not with one another. Right at this moment, as I write this, I have ignored two calls from my dad, thinking I will connect with him later. Is it actually more important for me to write this article than speaking to him? Maybe not. But still I have decided to talk to him later. Because maybe deep down I have taken him for granted. Which is the case in most of our lives.
We always delay connecting with people around us, close to us — thinking there would be time for it. What we don’t realize is that the other person is losing a little bit faith in us with every delay we make, and there would be a time when he would stop reaching out at all. And then would come a time when even despite his desperation he would not consider wanting to take our help at all. Who knows, that desperation might lead him into such darkness that he might choose to leave the world by ending his life. It’s a vicious cycle, you see, of faith, expectation, let down, ignorance and finally an extreme failure of humanity.
We all have our strengths as well as weaknesses, we have good as well as bad days, we do the right things and we also make mistakes. But as the most evolved living species, we need to rise above these. We need to be more forgiving, more empathetic, more accepting — in short we need to be more humane. We need to create a society where we don’t push someone so much so that they get damaged, we need to be a society where we don’t let someone down so much that they lose all faith in us, we need to stop being that person who chokes someone so much with pain and disappointment that he goes to a place from where he can’t come back. Yes, together we need to be a community of people who care for each other in a true sense.
As we all say, charity begins at home. So, maybe, it’s time we started looking out for each other. Let’s let the ones around us know that no matter what, in us they can find someone to talk to. That, we would not judge if they have something to share with us. That, it doesn’t matter if there’s a mistake been made. That, we’re ready to accept each other as they are. That, there’s no need to meet any expectation set by others. That, there’s always hope for a new beginning. That, they can always reach out to us, anywhere anytime. And most importantly that, they matter, they really really really matter.
Yes, together let’s create a place, so beautiful that we can stop them from giving up on life.
P.S. This article is my personal opinion. It’s not my intention to offend anyone or any sentiments. Also, if any of you need to ever talk to anyone, please drop me a message or comment below, I’ll be here for you. Please do the same to others around you. It’s time we stood together to help each other in battling any kind of depression. Amen.