PIMPERS PARADISE

Rakhee Mediratta
Nov 5 · 6 min read

“ She love to party, have a good time
She looks so hearty, feeling fine
She loves to smoke, sometime shiftin’ coke
She’ll be laughin’ when there ain’t no joke”

PIMPERS PARADISE — BOB MARLEY

I have always said that there isn’t one size that fits all. For anything. Over the last year I have heard such incredible stories of healing and the journeys that people have taken to get there are so varied. Some have found God, others have scientifically proven theories of the universes energies that radiate, others have smoked dope and achieved clarity, some have turned to micro-dosing, some have traversed continents in search of Mother Ayahuasca. Some have found exercise. Some have been in years of therapy. I probably haven’t even touched on a million more things that we do every day to try and heal.

One thing is for sure. We are all on some form of another in this healing state. I have found music and cooking to soothe but as I start to delve deeper into my depression I realise now that I haven’t even scratched the surface. There is so much I need to heal from. So, my dips keep coming. My slumps kick in and I turn to my trusty blue pills to help and now I am wondering what I need to experience to go deeper. To learn more. You can’t heal from things that you don’t even know about. Tapping into our sub-conscious minds seems to be the one thing all these different forms of healing have in common. They all work on their own timelines but one thing is for sure. Your intention. Setting the intention to heal which ever path you choose is crucial. As I was thinking about my intention and which path I might try next, I realized that it would be to free myself from the concentration camp of my own mind. (Thank you Edith Eger for that pearl of wisdom).

Growing up I know that a lot of us have tried different ways of getting high. Some found meditation, some found drugs, some found dance. The concept of getting high isn’t a new one. It’s getting to that euphoria inside yourself. You might call it happiness. You might call it shanti. You might call it self-love. I call it getting high. Depression is dark, lonely, hard and there is nothing more addictive than this wanting feeling of being high. You get it in tiny little moments but staying high, as any addict will tell you is the dream state!

I have so many friends who have shared their stories of what has worked for their healing and the one thing that has come up over and over again is Ayahuasca. If you were to google the literal meaning of this it would be THE LITTLE DEATH. Think about that for a moment. The tea that you drink allows you to break away from your mind and body. The whole purpose is to help healing from your trauma. We all have trauma. Don’t make the mistake of comparing yours with anyone else’s. It is yours and another bit of wisdom dropped by Edith Eger was that there really is no hierarchy in suffering.

Now I am not going to lie. I am a control freak. Drinking a substance that has potentially hallucinogenic effects scares the crap out of me. So why is it playing on my mind? Well, I am tired of this process taking so long. I know, I know. It takes as long as it takes but truly I am kind of done. I want out of this stupor. I want to get high and I want to do it now. What I have learned though is depending on how open you are to experience and how much healing you need to do, you may need to go through the process a few times. However, most people I have spoken to or listened to on a podcast or have read about, keep saying the reason they go back is because that first experience was hugely enlightening for them. You know how you get to what they call a “break-through” after well years of therapy — well ya, that’s what this sounds like to me and all I have to do is drink a vile cup of tea? Sign me up!!!!

I don’t claim to be an expert on Ayahuasca because well I haven’t experienced it -yet and much like I said earlier, different strokes for different folks. Maybe I will get there and I say there literally — I want to fly to Spain or Peru and have a full-on retreat people. Maybe I will drink this miracle tea and my intent to leave my darkness behind me will miraculously be cured. Maybe it will shine a light on all the demons inside me and I will literally vomit them from my system. Maybe I will sit in complete awe of what’s happening around me and take nothing from it. Maybe the music will heal a part of my soul. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I am done with this limbo thinking of what if.

I have tried the meditation, I have tried the yoga, I have tried the 21 days of abundance, I have tried the Jay Shetty positivity workshops, I have read every Brene Brown book on the shelves, I have been in therapy, I have cooked, I have listened to music, I have cried from my soul, I have taken the pills, I have exercised — all these things made me feel high in the moment. They worked for that sliver of time. I want the permanent high. I want to try something new and scary with the absolute hope and intent so pure.

But the one thing that always stops me from going past the thought of thinking about it rears its ugly head yet again. FEAR. I don’t worry about what will come out of all this. I am pretty used to starring at the devils that reside within me. I think it’s the idea of losing control that scares me the most. That I won’t know my own mind. That I won’t be able to rationally talk myself out of the revelations that are formed right in front of me. That I won’t be able to truly have an open experience because losing my mind is just not an option. Ha ha — yes I know on some level I have already lost my mind, but somehow this Ayahuasca thing feels like it could really change me. Maybe that’s the fear? The idea that once I don’t have this darkness and am living in relative highness that I can actually live. My beautiful dark cloak could be a thing of the past and how do I navigate this world without it? It’s become my norm. You know how they say that there are just some people who thrive on drama? When you remove the drama from their worlds they are totally lost. What if this has been my north? Suddenly the compass shifts and then what?

Goddamn fear. My beautiful friend that really loves the relationship it has with me. It’s the age-old story on unrequited love and it just keeps coming back no matter how badly I treat it. It’s a sucker for my badness. My hardness. My vulnerabilities and it prey’s on them all the bloody time.

Dipping my toe into things like therapy, taking anti-depressants, even exercising for a while there didn’t feel as monumental as somehow deciding to take this next step. I do feel that the universe is telling me something here given that it is a conversation that has come up so many times and the proof is in the pudding. I have seen the changes in my wonderful friends who have tried this. Were they big changes? No. They were these little gems of understanding that are still pulsating through their bloodstream long after they have returned from their “high tea.”

So, I guess I have answered all my own questions. Think I need to book it. And just go. Anyone want to come and get high with me?

Rakhee Mediratta

Written by

Writer, Mama, Lover of vulnerability, theory of my soul

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