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“If we were not born to travel, we would have been born with roots not feet”. Sometimes taking life for granted and just dragging yourself through a day has becomes a daily routine for most of us. We look for reasons to be happy, we look for reasons to rejoice. Living through the same rut we fail to notice the transition from life as it’s meant to be to a fight for existence.
When I look back at the decisions I had made and the decisions I make now, I see a stark difference and the journey has been nothing less than a dream that cannot be lived just enough. There are times when we have to stop for a while and contemplate on what we were, what we are and what we want to be. Once such moment is enough to change your life forever. I see myself patting on my back each day for that one decision that I took a few years ago that has given me the strength to be who I always wanted to be. Before I share my story I want you all to ask yourself a very simple question “What do you want to be?” Most of us would have a feeling of guilt for not having an answer to it and others would just come up with a designation in an organizational structure. You are not to be blamed for having this mindset. Whenever anyone posed this question to me, I couldn’t look the person in the eye and answer. It was the lack of self-belief since my heart always knew what I wanted to be, I always wanted to be “ME”. This is something that all of us relate to but just because this though is not joyfully accepted by the society we craft an answer that is acceptable.
Living a life based on terms that were dictated by others was a basic summary of my life and somehow I had become accustomed to things being that way. Seldom did I entertain my thoughts and feelings which were indeed something that I never wanted to do. The early twenties are very crucial in someone’s life, that’s the time your life decides for you what you would get or you fight for what you want. I was in a similar dilemma in the pre final year of my undergraduate degree. After a tiring day I came back to my dorm and sat in a corner and started to think about what I had been doing with my life. It seemed like those few hours were the most fruitful hours I had actually spent in my entire existence. It was time I faced the truth and looked for answers to questions that were going to decide the course of my life. I had to find out what I thought about myself and not what people thought I was. I had to observe the kinds of thoughts I was generating on a daily basis and become more aware of what I say and feel about myself and others. Took me months to realize it, but I finally had answers to most of the questions I posed to myself months ago. I started to observe a shift in how I was existing in the universe, I was no more struggling to make my existence felt in the space around me, the fear of non-acceptance and failure diminished with every passing second.
I knew I wanted to gain global exposure when it came to my higher education. There were again questions that needed to be answered, but now things were not the same, there was no doubt and as a year of rigorous preparation went by I saw myself waving my family goodbye, before I left for the journey that was about to take me closer to who I was. There would always be doubts and there would always be failures, but what you can choose is how you think or feel about it. I don’t know where I would be in the years to come or what I would be in the future. My existential standpoint wouldn’t change.
“What would I want to be?”
Originally published at euphoricgamer.wordpress.com on March 11, 2015.