First Day of School
I’m almost literally pissing myself in fear, everybody said that this would be exciting. What in the living fuck did they mean by that? Exciting? I’m shaking like Rocky when he’s about to get a treat. They said it would be my day, my day that I would never forget. Well, I sure as hell hope that I can forget this shit. I’m not even supposed to be nervous, I’m usually the connoisseur of being cool, calm, and collected. This isn’t me, I just need to chillax, kick back, and be myself. They’re going to love me right? I mean, I’m smart. I think. No no no. I don’t think I’m smart, I know I’m fucking smart.
Who finished Baby Einstein in less than a week and a half? Me, bitch. Who builds card houses twice as high as his older brother? Me, bitch. Who didn’t put his hand on the stove when the pot of mac and cheese wasn’t there to cover it? Me, mother fucker. That’s right, I’m the cats pajamas, the bees knees, I kick ass and everybody there is gonna know it. Oh, helllllll yeah, let’s get it.
I heard that there’s music time there, time to show off these dynamite ass dance moves. I got the Egyptian, uhh, I got the worm, well kind of, I got the classic whip I can always hit if I’m stuck. Nobody be on their YouTube grind like me. Oh shit yeah, the ladies are gonna be crawling all over me. Watch out bitches, it’s about to get real as tits.
“Mom, did you remember the apple juice?”
“Yes, sweet heart. Of course I did.”
Damn fuckin’ right you did, ahaaaaa. She worships me, jesus, she’s gonna be sobbing helplessly when I get out of this car. It’s pathetic, I can do whatever I want.
“And, and, the gold fish? You remembered those too, right?”
“Yes, sweetheart, of course. It’s all in there, just like you asked. And I even packed a little surprise for you.”
A surprise?!?! FUUUUUCK YES. She always packs a punch with the surprises, I bet I know what it is. It’s probably a firetruck, ooooooh yeah, I love me some firetrucks. A really big red one, but not too big, one that fits in this pimpin’ Captain America lunch box. One that has an extraordinarily loud siren, you know, to assert my dominance throughout all the prey that are going to worship me.
“Are there girls in my class?”
“Haha yes, sweetie, there are girls in your class. But don’t you worry about them, you will have plenty of time for girls when your older, I just want you to focus on being the best little boy you can possibly be.”
Yeah fucking right. I’m going to be crawling in the pussy, these ladies won’t be able to keep their diapers on around me. Once they see how these hands work with those legos, it’ll get really real. I need some turn up music to get me going.
“Momma, can you turn the station?”
“Sure, honey.”
“No, not this one, yeah yeah yeah, this one, I like this song… So you wanna plaaaaay with magic? Dah dah dah dah dah, ARE YOU READY FOR READY FOR? ARE YOU READY FOR READY FOR? Bah dah dah daaaaah.”
Hell yeah, I’m ready. Fuck this seatbelt, *opens door*, fuck this door, *slams door harder than ever before*.
“Okay mommy, I’m ready.”
“You sound like Spongebob.”
Damn, mom’s funny as shit. I’m actually going to miss her now that I think about it, I wonder if she’ll miss me. Yeah, no yeah, she will.
“I’ll miss you, sweetie. Have an excellent first day, remember to say please and thank you.”
I knew it.
“I will, mommy. Bye, I love you!”
Alright, time to make a motha fuckin killin. *stumbles up the steps to the front door* *door opens*
Who the hell is this ugly ass lady..?
“Hello, Brady, my name is Mrs. Cox, I’m going to be your pre-school teacher.”
*remote moment of silence*
“MOMMMMMMMMY!!!!!!”
