On Condolences
In my attempt to explore human behavior, I decided to tackle the tougher topics upfront.
Let’s examine the human endeavor of condolence giving. What do we do when we hear directly or indirectly that someone we know has lost a dear one. This is is a fairly sensitive topic so I will take extra care to not rub anyone the wrong way, for the purpose of this post is to explore the topic not insult anyone or their feelings in a sorrowful moment.
The first time I encountered death was when I was 6 years old when my great grandfather passed away. While growing up in a joint family in India, I got to hear of several passings. I remember this distinctly because every time there was a death even in a far away place the whole household was cleansed and the clothes and bed linen washed. A death in the family made everything impure requiring it to be cleansed. One amongst many quirky customs I grew up with (which I will cover in a future blog). Perhaps in the olden days when someone died at home all the germs needed to be cleansed. But it beats me why we washed all the clothes and bed linen every time we heard news of someone’s death.
My first exposure to the reality of death happened years after I had encountered the first death in my family / friends circle. This happened when I was in the college town of W. Lafayette, Indiana whilst binge watching some foreign flicks with my then roomies. We had stumbled on this film — The Funeral (お葬式 Osōshiki) a 1984 Japanese comedy film by director Juzo Itami.
In this movie, the patriarch of the family dies and the whole family is preparing for the funeral. This is the first encounter with death for many in the family and no one knows how to behave. Some consult friends, others look up books to see what is the right behavior. Once they find out, some really exhibit sorrow and others fake it for the lack of a better word.
I am sure many of you have gone through this experience and searched for what to do and decided to take the easy route with a “RIP xxx” or a “So sorry for your loss” or “May his or her soul Rest In Peace”.
Now most of us usually don’t know what to do or how to react. We have good intentions and want to show empathy but are at a loss on how to do so. What we ought to do is not just about etiquette but more about how to help a grieving individual(s).
There are multiple scenarios that often present themselves — your proximity to where the death happened, your closeness to the departed soul and the circumstances of the persons demise. They all lead one to have to think deeply on how to respond.
Let’s first look at the situation where you are close to the location of the death. This is probably the easiest to handle but probably hard on you mentally. The easiest you can do is to lend a helping hand to the family to sort out events in the aftermath. By being a stable hand, helping them think through different things — from arranging a funeral to handling all immediate affairs without asking too many questions on what happened. I can think of the help we received from my brothers friends after our mom died suddenly with both of us out of country. Selfless acts in a time of need are the best way to convey you care. For they didn’t do so expecting anything in return. They did so because they understood the situation and perhaps felt that they should volunteer their help.
Now if you lived far away from the town where the death happened, unless you can travel immediately to the location of death you are faced with the predicament of what is an appropriate response. Do not rush to respond in a hurry, try and respond authentically as described below.
Now let’s look into who actually died — were they known to you, how close were you to them, or were they someone attached to someone you knew very well. We tend to react differently based on the situation.
If they were known to you— a close relative or a close friend you ourselves might be in shock and might need consoling. You may not be able to offer condolences, you may just want to grieve together. There is nothing wrong with that. For, in grieving together you help the emotions come out and the reality sinks in.
However, if they were known to you but not a close relative or friend you have no personal impact. This is when you may feel like you have to do something, but you are not sure what to do. If you live close by, you can rush to help the family sort things out. If you live far away or if you are not able to go immediately it’s okay to wait a couple of days for things to sink in and then visit the family, write to them or speak to them. Don’t imagine how they might be feeling. Speak to them, help them open up and speak about their feelings. The hardest part of grieving is to express your grief. Not many of us know how to emote our grief. If you really want to make a difference just be a sounding board. Don’t ask too many questions or offer too many suggestions, respect that the family needs to figure things out. This form of condolence giving is what I would call authentic.
If the dead person is unknown to you but is close to someone you know well, you might want to pay them a visit or speak to them. Don’t be in a hurry and send a stereotypical message through social media or email. These are easy to do but to a person in sorrow it is not the number of condolence messages but the quality of your message that matters. For that you have to bare your soul.
Lastly, let’s look at the circumstances of the death. If the death was sudden or unexpected or tragic versus something that was expected such as the end result of a long drawn out disease or ailment. In the latter case although the family suffered a loss they have had the time to think about what has happened and prepare themselves. But when death takes a life away despite the preparation there is that despondency. You can assist by helping the family grieve if you are close to them or respond authentically. The hardest situation you encounter is the former when a life has been stolen. This is when your empathy is needed most. There can never be enough. Unless you have experienced foregoing a personal relationship for ever like in a break up or a family fight you won’t understand what the family is going through. Imagine what a card or an email or a post on social media will do to help. If you really want to help — respond authentically.
Understanding grief and helping people grieve is an important part of life. The next time you encounter a death in your family or your circle of friends consider an authentic response.
I had this discussion with a friend who lost his dad a few months ago. He said that one of the best messages he got was from a leader at his workplace who had shared a poem that was comforting.
