If you reread the account in Genesis, you might be surprised to find it written that Adam “who was…
Renae Tobias

Oh, I’m painfully aware of that. As a kid I committed the “cardinal sin” of critically reading the Bible for myself. That was one of the many discrepancies that I found. I also saw a few bold women argue that very fact when at church, not during the service(QUITE!), but during cordial group activities. And I saw them shot down again and again with illogical arguments predicated on an ultimate and unquestionable authority. Such as the men saying that it was just further proof that women must be controlled and couldn’t be trusted with, well, any authority at all, essentially.

I also remember a “Wait a second!” moment when, as a kid, I was studying Sodom and Gomorrah and the two “angles” came to stay with Lot, after which the men of the city came to the door and demanded that Lot send out the two “angles/strangers” so that they could have sex with them. To which Lot said, “Fuck that, my daughters are virgins, rape the shit out of them, they don’t matter. Just don’t touch these two dudes that I met yesterday who I swore to protect because they are under my roof, my daughters of course are always standing under a sunlight, so they’re, uh, technically not under my roof of protection. And believe me, if you don’t kill them when you rape my daughters, I’ll have to, because, hey, getting raped is a mortal sin you know. You’ll owe me money too, since either way they must die and they’re worth at least 5 cows, the younger one maybe 10 cows.”. Okay, I added that last bit, but it was the reality of what was going on then and still is now in many places.

Then of course, as they are fleeing the city that the angles are going to destroy(yes, we must protect those extraordinary angels of ultimate destruction from the horny gays) the wife of Lot “looked back” and of course, was turned into a pillar of salt. . . or maybe she just cried a lot(salty tears) sometimes things are lost in translation.

Later on Lot and his two daughters went off into the mountains to live in a cave, where the elder daughter thought, “Hey, there are no dudes around here to get me prego and that’s all that I’m good for, so I’ll get dad drunk as hell and then fuck him! Damn, I’m smart.”, and so she did, and so did her little sister and their children(boys) went on to be the leaders of Kingdoms. Because that’s just the natural future for all little boys.

Thus, the morals of the story are:

1: As a father, two strange men deserve protection from rape more then your two daughters do.

2: Women are silly and tend to morn what is lost, which is a sin and against God, thus, women cry all the time, er, that is, turn to pillars of salt and can never be trusted.

3: You can’t trust women, because they will get their elderly fathers blazing drunk on wine and then rape their fathers. Yep, I’m sure that’s how that played out(note, don’t read or think about moral #1).

4: Abortions are evil, because all a woman should do is give birth to boys/kings or more machines to give birth to boys/kings.

I must say, the first time I saw Monty Python’s “The Life of Brian” as a young teen, it was a profound moment where I realized that I wasn’t the only one who thought that religion was insane.

Pardon the satire, I know that the above Lot and Eve stories influence in a very real way a lot of people, but I just have to laugh about the absurdity of it sometimes or I will go completely insane.