CS & MBA

It all started when I completed my 12th grade, finding myself in a very strange position, unsure of what was to come next. The girl who was mocked, punished, demotivated, unsupported — what should I do? I never knew this was the serious moment of my life that would require decision-making for my entire career, a very important decision indeed. Whom could I blame? Myself? My parents?

I was trying to find something that would align with my skills, but what were my skills? Until school, I thought I had a talent for singing, dancing, leadership skills, Managing, and much more. In college, I discovered people who were much more talented and skilled, who weren’t even considered. What could I become in such a world with talents below the norm?

I didn’t know. I had a huge amount of anxiety that made me feel inferior to everybody. Everybody seemed collected and calculated, while I was here with no plans whatsoever. I thought I’d pursue BSCIT; maybe there would be opportunities in that field, especially since it had high demand in 2019/2020. All I ever wanted was to become successful and be a good person.

My relatives got involved; some made misogynistic comments, contrasting my aspirations with the achievements of their female family members who were doctors and engineers. Some were vocal and positive, and I followed their lead, opting for CS (Company Secretary), thinking it was right for me. However, lacking proper guidance, I failed. I didn’t even try for fear of failure, of falling behind, of being stuck.

I tried to convince my parents to seek career counseling for me, but it still hurts how they denied every basic step, leading me to fall into a deep well of failures and bad decisions. I can never come out of this with constant humiliation and anxiety, unable to complete any of my goals and work.

It’s been really tough living here. I researched, and the next attempt to become something big began. My eyes fell on an MBA, and yes, I found some of my relatives in that field too. I had no other option but to take a leap into one of the many wells. I don’t know what I’m doing right now, how to do anything. I have no idea about my mental health, my progress, my speed, my skills — anything. It seems very dark from every angle. I think all the time, will something happen? Will I fail? If I pass, I cannot face the next steps with others who are extremely qualified with such incredible intellect.

It’s been really difficult to study, to focus, to think, while being at home where I feel extremely uncomfortable, living with constant fear and anxiety.