The Destructive Behavior Begins, 2nd Abortion
I apologize for the delay in my next article. It is hard on me to drag up all those feelings and emotions or the lack there off.
After the abortion I started in on the partying. When my son was not with me I would party until we hours in the night. I started drinking at home and smoking marijuana. I would be drunk and high to try to numb out, forget what I had done. The behavior that I knew was wrong, yet, I still did what I wanted to do. What does Paul the apostle state, “For I do not understand my own actions {I am baffled, bewildered}. I do not practice or accomplish what I wish, but I do the very things that I loathe {which my moral instinct condemns}. However, it is no longer I who do the deed, but the sin which is at home in me and has possession of me.” Romans 7:15,17.
I started seeing an older wealthy man thinking he would leave his wife for me. I would have no worries if I could get him to leave his wife. Now you see, I despise adultery. Yet here I was participating in the act. One of God’s commands in Exodus 20:14 states, “Do not commit adultery.” God regards the sanctity of marriage as a sacred trust similar to the sanctity of life. Exodus 20:13 states, “You shall not murder.
I wasn’t married, he was. So I wasn’t committing adultery, the man was. Those were my thoughts. I knew that I was also committing adultery even though I was not married. I had also murdered my unborn children. So, the two things that are very serious to God, adultery and the murder of the innocent unborn child, I did both. He never left her for me.. Which caused more insecurities and feelings of rejection. Was I not good enough to be with. He didn’t mind seeing me on the side. With that came all those voices in my head. Voices of condemnation, guilt, shame, no love for myself what so ever. Of course to take away that pain, I starting seeing another guy.
I was not on any birth control. They messed with my hormones. A few months into that relationship and I was pregnant once again. In my family we are fertile myrtle’s. How stupid was I to allow myself to get pregnant again. Those were the thoughts running through my mind. Now I could add to my list of names that I would call myself. He would have wanted and stayed with me and the baby, but I didn’t love him. He was just fun to be with, although he cared for me. I told him I would not have this baby. I wasn’t in love with him. So my solution, have another abortion. I made the appointment and he went with me. Not long after that we got into a horrible fight because I had started seeing another married man while still partying with him. He called me the most coldhearted person he had ever met. Person is not the word he used to describe me. We broke up needless to say. I saw him years later and he wasn’t married and had no children. I took away his only child. I know he went with me but I do not believe that was what he wanted. I hated myself even more.
My life was so chaotic. There was no self control, no love for myself, I was behaving some kind of crazy. Everything that I had grown up believing I was forsaking, to do it my way. I was against everything I was doing. Yet it didn’t deter my behavior. Let me tell you that is not the way to behave.
If I would have only sought after my Lord and Savior, maybe I would be forgiven. He would let me back into a right relationship with Him. I just didn’t believe that Jesus could love me after having murder my unborn children. I was having nightmares about my son disappearing or dying. I would wake up crying out for my son. I believed that God would take my child I already had as punishment for murdering my babies. As he was growing older I was scared to let him out of my sight. I had a hard time letting him go with other kids to movies or whatever their plans where. I didn’t want anything to happen to him. I was in fear that the other child’s parents wouldn’t watch out for him as good as I could. I prayed a lot to God, please protect him while he was not with me. Not really believing that God would be listening to the biggest sinner ever. Why would He do anything for me. Look at my life, the way I was living. To this day I have dreams and feelings of condemnation where I will literally say God is doing this to punish me for what I have done. I also know that Romans 8:1,2 states, “that there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk after the flesh but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” I wasn’t living in the Spirit, I was very much walking in the flesh…..
