2017: A Reflection

As I sit here, 10am on New Years Day, I can’t help but reflect. Reflect on the year I survived, on the accomplishments I achieved, and of the person I have become.

At the beginning of 2017, I was admittably a mess. I started the year with a boy I don’t even think I liked, and my mental health was not discussed. I was going out almost every weekend with my friends, as well as I had no plan on saving money any time soon. I lived with my friends for 75% of the year, and as that was drawing to an end, I felt a strain on my friendships. Not that I didn’t love living with them, because I did. I just felt suffocated by the constant presence of people. Before I moved to college, I was very much a to-myself person, and having 3–4 people around you constantly after that is exhausting. As well, I worked all the time, so I enjoyed having weekends to myself. However, when you’re in a house of 4 girls, that doesn’t happen often at all. At the end of the summer I moved into my very own apartment, and it was refreshing. I didn’t have to worry about a gaggle of people home when I get home, and I didn’t have to worry about cleaning up after anyone except myself.

I was sexually assaulted this year as well, and that was/still is one of the hardest things I’ve had to force myself to survive. My assailant is a regular at my part time job, so having a constant reminder of what happened to me is not something that I’ve dealt with well. As well, having to basically pretend my assault never happened while at my full time job is exhausting. I once tried to explain my feelings to a coworker, and I learnt quickly that people who have not been through anything similar will not understand. However traumic and scarring my assault was, I like to look at it as a milestone. I was thrown a giant fucking lemon, and instead of letting it rot and ruin everything I’ve worked through, I worked through it and made it through the other side. Yes, by the way, its a lot fucking brighter over here.

Throughout the year, I have learnt some valuable lessons. One of the biggest ones, though, would have to be that I’m alone. Yes I have my friends, and yes I have my family, but in the end no one can help me except me. I’ve learnt a lot about myself, and I’ve learnt to watch out for the warning signs of rock bottom. I’ve discovered how to be kind to myself, and I’ve discovered how to love myself as well as my life again.

2017 is over, and I’m saying goodbye to wallowing in self-pity. January 1st 2017 was the beginning of a really horrendous year, and now here I am, 365 days later, and I am a better person. I have a support system, an apartment, two wonderful kitties, and my mental health. This year may have sucked, but it has made me into a strong, independent woman, and for that I say thank you.

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