People don’t
Today is the 1st of January 2024, and here I am, pouring my thoughts onto this blank sheet. I don’t remember what really happened last night; the last memory I have is being so tired, coming home, dragging myself to the bathroom to clean up, and then going to sleep. I barely remember if I made it to 12:00 AM or if, perhaps, I just don’t get excited anymore about the new year.
This morning, I woke up and checked my messages, hoping that a particular person would greet me with a happy New Year text. But, yeah hope is just that — hope — and it turned out to be in vain. I stared blankly at my phone; numerous people were saying happy New Year, except for this one person.
That triggered me, so I scrolled back to our old messages and reread everything carefully. I began to wonder since when it turned out like this. How could it be like this? My head was full of what-ifs.
People might wonder how I could think such things on the first day of January at 7.24 AM? but people don’t tell me how to cope with a friendship breakup, so here I am, wondering every single day how this could happen in the first place. Whether it’s Christmas or New Year, the feeling of loss is always there.
People say, “You are so much better than that; you could find new friends. Don’t waste your time thinking about someone who won’t think about you.” but people don’t know how hard it is for me to forget.
People say, “Girl, this is a small issue; why are you being so dramatic?” But people don’t teach me how to understand why they see this as a small issue because, if it were genuinely insignificant, I wouldn’t have spent months grieving over it.
People say I’m braindead enough to still be thinking, wondering, and hoping, but they don’t understand that I’m a human with feelings too. I feel and I hurt. It’s bleeding and suffocating.
I want to believe that what’s meant to be will always find a way. However, the process of believing is incredibly painful. It’s hard to stay still, to avoid causing any more damage to someone, while life keeps moving forward.
Just a month ago, I tried to believe that I would be fine when the new year came. People say “new year, new beginning,” but what people don’t mention is that, no matter how hard you try, the scars remain, the memories persist, regrets linger, and everything feels strangely different, yet that is what happens.
People also say “It is what it is” because sometimes that’s just how shitty the situation is, and it’s out of my control. But people don’t know how many attempts I’ve made to fix the situation and how I’ve owned up to my own wrongdoings so I can get back the person that once was my friend.
I’ve been searching for a way to deal with this kind of breakup because it’s a new thing for me. The internet only talk about romantic breakups and I’m genuinely confused about how to handle these new feelings and emotions. I don’t know what to do; I’m in my “so, now what?” stage, questioning every possibility and wondering if that day I hadn’t chosen to say those words to her, how different things might be.
As much as I long for a brighter and more vibrant year, the shades of blue from the past are still there. I guess I’ll remain stuck here until I can truly accept all the shits that have happened.
