i said goodbye

Exactly six months ago I sent a letter saying goodbye to my biological family.

Writing and sending that letter is the single most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.

There is no part of me that wanted to say goodbye.

There is nothing, literally nothing, more important to me than my mother and siblings. There is no one I love more.

I can only hope they understand. That I didn’t really have a choice. That it’s not their fault. That I have always and will always want to be with them.

But I know some of them do not understand. That some of them think I left because they aren’t good enough or worthy enough in my eyes. I wish I could fix that. But I can’t.

Two of my siblings are getting married this year. My family goes on without me. As they should. I wonder what they are thinking when they realize I won’t be there.

I lost my family. Completely. Some of them probably forever. They’re gone. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

That’s not something a person can move on from. It’s not something a person can get over. It’s not something a person can come to terms with. It’s not something that will ever make sense.

It changes you. Losing something so significant. Losing your people. It really changes you. It strikes in a depth I didn’t know existed.

I think I understand what heartbreak is. I’m sorry if you do too.