> They knew what they were doing was hurting me
No they didn’t. And “you got them horny” isn’t true either. You didn’t choose to be sexual, the wanting, the energy came over you. The mechanisms in boys responded. The whole challenge of becoming an adult is LEARNING to be responsible for handling these.
But we’re so into identity, we think “it’s me”. We fault ourselves and blame others. Blame is just attribution to identity. Thinking it was your fault is attributing it to your identity. As the actor, what part do you want to play?
That’s a very different question from the usual one teens ask, which is, “What character am I?” And, “How can I change my character so others like it?”
You and I have no choice about who we are until we see that we’re not our characters. It’s actually your choice whether you’re uncomfortable when someone touches you, unless you don’t realize you have a choice. The sensation of touch is just the sensation of touch. The meaning of it, that it’s good or bad, is optional.
Try it with a taste you dislike. I don’t like tea. But I was jealous on a 5-hour plane ride, once, of people who were enjoying tea and coffee. It took 20 minutes of hard work to like the tea. It was an accomplishment that I’m now proud of. I still don’t like tea. But I can. I’m getting faster at turning it around, though I don’t practice much…
I find it painful to work alone. I let that go. It’s just old brain patterns applying themselves where they don’t belong. I don’t have someone to work beside me, and I’ve committed myself to the work. But I can let go of the suffering that arises. Your mileage will vary. Mine does. Best wishes…